


Everything I Do

by Karfraegh18



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-17
Updated: 2009-08-16
Packaged: 2018-09-03 04:00:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8695813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karfraegh18/pseuds/Karfraegh18
Summary: Jensen is the best in the business, a vocal coach who can work wonders.  Jared is an ex member of a boy band, a master at lip synching  and looking good.  He needs to sing live, he needs the money, there is only one person he can turn to for help.  Thing is Jensen doesn't actually like Jared and says no....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

"You have got to be kidding me"

 

"No, they’re not renewing Jared"

 

"But, I need, I …"

 

"Jared, we expected this, the band split 18 months ago, and seriously you know as well as I did that you were lucky to be left on the books"

 

Shit, shit, shit

 

"The cover versions"

 

"They’re not even breaking the 100 Jay"

 

"So that’s it"

 

"Yeah, early retirement kid"

 

"At 26"

 

"Yeah, enjoy your money, have a rest, go back to college, get a career that doesn’t include being the gay one in a boy band."

 

Shit, shit and double shit. No contract, no health insurance, shit.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

What even his Manager didn’t know was that he was down to his last 150k. He had his house; he had his car, and $147,599 in his accounts after realising all his other assets. The life of a boy band, tied into the most godawful 10% left contract ever, meant he received little compared to what they turned over as an asset for the record company. 

 

They were big in Texas, they were Texas boys after all, but with songs hovering in the twenty and never quite reaching number one, it meant they never got elevated to new contracts and new money. So basically he was screwed, he needed more money and he needed it fast, and, shit, where the hell was he going to get it?

 

It wasn’t as if he was the singer in the band, he had been the tall one at the back, the one who did an awful lot of dancing and an equally huge amount of synchronised singing; singing to backing tracks and studio tweaked voices. He could sing, he knew he could sing, just never well enough to be seen as a singer in his own right, and that left his options for money earning limited and indeed non-existent.

 

So that left approaching his Manager, his ex Manager, the ex manager he had fired like ten months ago, sure in his position with the record company.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“I need to make money” he started, not even going there with the whole how are you, he was here for a reason, he needed quick money, Angela would get a cut, it was a win win situation as far as Jared was concerned.

 

“No one will touch you, Jeez I’m not sure I’ll touch you” his agent eyed him using that sad you’re screwed son expression.

 

“I’m serious, what do I need to do?”

 

”Well the obvious, reality television.”

 

“I can’t do that, I can’t leave the US and I can’t do that whole being locked in a house thing for 40 days”

 

“Well I’m genuinely sorry for you Padalecki but I really don’t have a lot of options left” his ex agent shuffled papers … was he being dismissed?

 

“There must be something, anything” I’ll do anything, I need that money"

 

“There is talk of a Santone reunion” Jared lifted his head.

 

“No, I’ll do anything but that”

 

“So let me get this straight, for some obscure reason you need a lot of money and you need it fast, I dunno what for, a drug habit, gambling, a stay in Betty Ford … you, the washed up has been from a boy band, refuse reality television and then throw the only other thing, a band reunion, back in my face”

 

“Kinda sums it up” that is one bad summary.

 

”Then I can’t help you” and why should I anyway, you dumped me months ago

 

“Shit”

 

“So reunion it is then”

 

”Shit”

 

“It’s slated for Christmas Eve, network coverage, supporting Kane, one problem though”

 

"What?" it’s not problem enough that they would be supporting the one band who openly detested them for their allegedly empty headed boy band crap?

 

“Kane are acoustic, no lip synching, play their own instruments”

 

”And that affects Santone how?”

 

“They are demanding no lip synching to backing tracks”

 

”How can they do that?”

 

”They are the headliners Jay, they can say what they want”

 

Fucking Kane and their fucking talent.

 

“You can’t tell me that the rest of Santone have agreed to this”

 

“They all have, all four of them”

 

”So, I don’t get it, why is this the first I hear of this reunion?”

 

”Well general consensus with the rest of the guys is that you had your head stuck so far up your own ass that you wouldn’t want it, especially as it involved singing live” ouch.

 

“What the fuck, they all knew, and they didn’t …” Jared tried for hurt but all that came out was spoilt.

 

“Where have you been for eighteen months Jay?”

 

”Doin’ stuff, I’ve been ….”

 

”Ignoring calls, publicly dismissing your six years with Santone, pushing your own solo career”

 

Well I had my reasons, I cant say, I cant tell anyone, and it was all taken out of context, and shit, shit, shit…

 

“I … do they want me?” He kinda sounded a bit lost there and Angela took pity on him

 

“Well Jay, you have burnt a lot of bridges, and fuck knows why, but they would have you back in a second.” hope flared in Jared’s chest for a minute, this could work

 

“How much?”

 

“I can have contracts with you by the end of the day, sponsors will tie you in for $150k up front, another $200k after the concert.

 

“350”

 

“That’s more than you are worth, in today’s market, if I’m honest, and they are willing to cover singing lessons”

 

”What the fuck singing lessons” Jared stood up, suddenly agitated and bordering on angry

 

“Jared, calm down”

 

“Fuck … lessons … what for?”

 

”Because Kane - ”

 

“Kane” Fucking Kane

 

”Yeah, Kane want to quality control the product”

 

”The product”

 

”Santone, the band”

 

”So the guys ... they’re all like having singing lessons?”

 

”Well erm … no … not exactly”

 

”What the fuck?”

 

”You were kinda the only one who didn’t - ” who didn’t sing, who mimed, who just danced a lot and looked pretty.

 

“Jesus Christ, do they wanna take my dick as well”

 

“I’m not sure what Kane would do with your dick Jared”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“No”

 

“Jensen”

 

”No Chris, no”

 

“But - ”

 

“No, I am not spending my time with an idiot twinkie who doesn’t know his scales from his ass”

 

“Jensen”

 

“Seriously man, this is my career we’re talking about here”

 

”Jensen… for an old friend” Chris wheedled, his blue eyes kinda dewy and a little bit emotional the bastard.

 

“Why me?” yeah, why me, like I don’t have enough on my plate

 

”’Cos this show is important to us man, and we don’t have a choice on them supporting us, not if we can get the Christmas Eve slot, and it’s acoustic and I don’t wanna make Kane a laughing stock” This was all said in one breath “And man, you are the best at what you do, I mean you can make anyone shine”

 

“You can’t make people shine if they have no talent to start with”

 

”He has talent”

 

”Which one was he? The main singer, that Ian guy?”

 

”No”

 

“The other two at the front, erm Matt and that short guy”

 

“Erm … no”

 

“Not one of the two who stood at the back, tell me it’s the Shaun guy”

 

“No”

 

”Jesus, not that giant with the hair and the dancing and the …. No”

 

“Jensen seriously man - ”

 

“He has talent?” Jensen spat out looking incredulous “Talent at what? At being a stuck up idiot who screws anything that moves?” Chris smirked, so Jensen knew who Jared was.

 

“OK, I can see why you wouldn’t want to do it”

 

“What?” Jensen was suspicious now, what direction was Chris pushing this in now?

 

“Well, I mean, the guy can dance, and I hear he can sing a bit, but yeah, he’s probably way out of your league to mould”

 

“I didn’t say that, I said … never mind what I said … I’m not…” Fuck

 

“You could look at it as a challenge”

 

”A challenge? A challenge, like I need a challenge?” Oh my god, my voice, can it get any higher?

 

”How about a bet then?” 100% guaranteed to get Jensen interested

 

”Tell me more” Jensen responded cautiously, shit, Chris and reverse psychology never went well together and Jensen always ended up getting screwed somehow.

 

”I bet you a bottle of Jose he crashes and burns and you can’t save him”

 

“Make it two”

 

”You’re on”

 

Well shit

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared paced.

 

There was no other word for it.

 

He thought people only did it in movies.

 

It wasn’t a big room, but with seven people in it and only four seats it meant Jared was standing and he just couldn’t stay still.

 

He really thought he was done crying, he didn’t think he had the capacity for anymore.

 

“How are you going to pay Jared?” It sounded cold, putting a price on life, how did life get to be worth so little.

 

”I can get you the $75 now, $100 next week, but then I am screwed until after Christmas for the other $75”

 

“Jared sit down” Jim stood up and encouraged the tall bundle of energy to sit down and try to relax, but as soon as Jared sat he started to cry again, the nerves and anxiety a sharp knife in his gut.

 

“What do I do?” he sensed they were looking at him … the other’s in the room looking at him, some with pity, some with concern, all with dollar signs in their eyes, or so it seemed to Jared.

 

Rubbing tired eyes, he hadn’t slept in two days; he slumped back in the chair looking up at the pristine white ceiling, feeling light headed and exhausted. He glanced at his watch and reached into his jacket, listening to the murmuring around him, voices talking about him and to him. Dialling the pen he injected into his stomach, no one stopped to comment … Jared and needles … needles and Jared, they were used to it now.

 

“Rehab Jared, we need to talk about the rehab” Jared dropped unfocused eyes to Jim who looked kinda sad.

 

“I know Jim, I know”.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen was finishing with TexasDiva as he liked to call her when he heard the front door open and close and the shuffling in the foyer of his studio.

 

TexasDiva didn’t need coaching, she needed to get laid, and she was pinning her hopes on Jensen if the way she draped herself across him was anything to go by.

 

“Darlin’…” he drawled “I’m flattered, but you gotta know I don’t swing that way” he gently eased her away, reminding himself to cancel her next lesson.

 

“Jenny, you just haven’t met the right women” Diva said in response, her voice low and sultry, leaning across the piano in what he assumed was her version of sexy, and where the fuck did she get Jenny from?

 

“My next lesson is here, I’ll see you next week.” Jensen sidled away, exchanging looks with the ever-present Diva bodyguard in the corner … now he was built, thought Jensen appreciatively.

 

Diva huffed and left in a swirl of heavy perfume and bling and Jensen immediately opened a window to the Texas air, her scent gave him headaches.

 

A headache only to be amplified by his next lesson he assumed.

 

He opened the door to his waiting room, his eyes going immediately to six four of skinny boy.

 

“Padalecki?” he asked, already knowing … although … god … had he lost weight? Jensen remembered him as this boisterous man puppy that had held up his end of the boy band with good looks and wicked dance moves, not as this too thin, tired, red eyed, shadow.

 

“Me” Jared jumped up, crossing to Jensen, his hand extended, Jensen shook it briefly, his eyes catching Jared’s, wondering exactly what Jared’s drug of choice was, which poison had left his eyes sunken and red rimmed.

 

“In here” Jensen gestured into his studio and Jared followed stopping by the piano as Jensen rifled through a pile of paperwork. He found what he was looking for and handed a stapled leaflet and a pen to Jared. “I get all of my clients to sign their half of a contract, I sign as well, confidentiality, and so on.”

 

“M’ok” Jared said, flicking to the end and scrawling his signature

 

“Don’t you wanna read it?”

 

”Why man, it’s just a confidentiality clause”

 

”You could have signed over your first born” Jensen said seriously, watching as Jared paled “I’m joking man, but what it does say … I don’t tolerate drugs on the premises”

 

“Yeah”

 

”Or drink”

 

”Yeah”

 

“You do your exercises, you pretend you wanna be here, I’ll pretend I wanna work with you and it’ll be fine”

 

Hmmm, hostile much?

 

“So where do we start?” Jared looked eager and at least halfway interested.

 

“You sing something so I can get a feel for what you can … and can’t … do”

 

“Ok, like what?”

 

”Try one of your own songs, one from the huge Santone repetoire” Jensen snarked, Jared looked a little confused at the attitude but didn’t say anything. He coughed and launched into a fair approximation of one of Santone’s bigger hits, something where the title predictably mentioned the words baby and love. 

 

Hmmm. Not bad, bit out of key, but strong, I can work with this, polish and refine, a small tug of interest pulled at his thoughts, raise the key, work the muscles, could be OK, not brilliant, but OK.

 

Jared finished, blushing and lowering his eyes.

 

“Jesus boy, we have got so much work to do” was what Jensen actually said.

 

Ouch

 

 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

As reunions went it was OK. It was awkward given that the rest of Santone had already met up and had even got as far as deciding what to wear on Christmas Eve at the show, all without Jared. They shuffled and mumbled and couldn’t look Jared in the eye. But Jared didn’t blame them it was just as awkward for him. He just wanted to blurt it out, explain where the last eighteen months had gone, explain why he hadn’t kept in touch, but he didn’t, too ashamed to even go there. Ian tried to gloss over the exclusion but bless him it was Shaun that pushed the point. Shaun from the back row, the other lip syncher, who apparently according to the vocal coach could sing, Jared’s drinking buddy, the closest to his 19 years when the band were formed.

 

“What the fuck man?” he asked after about thirty seconds of the five of them being left alone in the room to bond. “Where did you go and why the fuck did you ignore my texts?”

 

”M’sorry man, things just got a little wild after we split.” Was that going to be enough?

 

”Like what?” Shit ask questions why don’t you.

 

“Y’know the usual crap” Let them think what they want, drink, drugs whatever. 

 

”Jesus Jay” This from Ian, the most sensible of the band, the best singer, the songwriter, the real front man.

 

“Yeah, I know” Jared offered softly. The silence fell again, all listening as Shaun rummaged in the cool box left on the table.

 

“Beer anyone?”

 

And as easily as that, his band mates drinking beer, Jared drinking diet coke, the reunion started to go an awful lot better.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The money cleared into Jared’s account on the Friday and by the following Tuesday he was actually in advance, albeit temporarily, with payments, the money at Christmas an added bonus that should save his sanity for a while.

 

The letter he held in his hand as he dialled the number was from the specialist, he didn’t understand the terminology, couldn’t for the life of him even begin to make sense of what the letter meant.

 

“Beeches” the women answered the phone

 

“Can I talk to Doctor Standing please”

 

“One moment” 

 

She put him on hold, the music playing down the phone as he waited not dissimilar to the ear hurting stuff he had peddled out as part of 

Santone.

 

“Dr Standing”

 

”Dr Standing hello, it’s Jared, Jared Padalecki”

 

”Jared, hello, how are you”

 

”I’m fine, doing well. I got your letter this morning, and I’m wondering if you perhaps you could give it to me in layman’s terms?” 

 

“No problem, which part concerns you?”

 

”Well I understood the Mr Padalecki bit and the yours sincerely bit, it was the stuff in the middle that didn’t make sense”

 

“No problem, would you like to come into the office? We could do with catching up with you, there are lots of things we need to discuss”

 

”OK, I can do that”

 

”I’ll hand you back to the main desk and you can make an appointment with her, I look forward to seeing you soon Jared”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“So, how is the bet going?” Chris passed his a beer, which he took and swallowed half of, before sitting down on the piano stool.

 

”OK” Jensen said grudgingly, not wanting to give too much away at this point in the game.

 

“How crap is he?” Christian was smirking the bastard

 

“Very” Jensen wasn’t going to point out that the kid actually had some talent, not now, let Chris think he was winning.

 

“Poor Jen, gonna lose this one”

 

”I haven’t lost a bet to you since college” Jensen laughed, draining more beer and settling in for the beer buzz that would calm him after a long day.

 

Chris looked thoughtful for a moment “Yep, Danny … your last trek in to the great unknown of het”

 

“Exactly, I was gay, so it didn’t break my heart to lose to you idiot”

 

“So what next? You upping the lessons?”

 

“He’s only had one”

 

”But if he is that bad…”

 

“I’m not sure lessons are gonna help entirely, he’s like so skinny, almost emaciated, definitely on some kind of drugs”

 

“Doesn’t that break your rule, the no drugs rule?”

 

“Unless I see it, or he turned up off his head what can I do?”

 

Chris laughed again, it was really getting irritating now, “Looooo zerrr”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared arrived at the home early, moving quietly through corridors until he arrived at the last door on the left. He paused as he always did to touch the name on the door, Lisa Padalecki, and then entered the room, almost holding his breath in anticipation of seeing Lisa’s soft brown eyes. Still she slept, her face just as pale, her eyelids closed, her breathing slow and regular.

 

“She has shown some very small signs of brain activity” Jared swung round as the doctor’s voice.

 

“Really?” he said in wonder, almost breathless with hope.

 

“That is what the letter detailed. It is too soon to hope for consciousness at this stage, but brain activity is a good sign”

 

“What can I … what do you need me … ?” Jared didn’t really know what he was asking but the doctor seemed too understand. Gently he led Jared to sit next to her on the chair he called his own.

 

“Just do what you normally do Jared, talk to your wife, let her know you are here, tell her about Lee”

 

And so Jared did as he did every other day, sat and talked to his wife, talked about their son, talked about Jensen and the lesson, talked about the reunion, his fears, his embarrassment...

 

Just talked.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Lesson two was not funny.

 

It was snarky and tiring and miserable and … aaaaaghhhh, he couldn’t stop coughing from the remnants of a virus he swears he picked up at the reunion meeting.

 

He didn’t know what he had done to piss Jensen off, or what anyone had done, or whether it was because he had Lisa on the brain and wasn’t concentrating … but … Jeez he wanted to smack the guy and his constant superior sarcasm.

 

“Again” Jensen said firmly, handing Jared a glass of water and guiding him through the exercises, but Jared only got half way through when he started to cough again.

 

“Jesus Jared, what is up with you today?” Jensen looked at him, looked into the guy’s eyes, the redness, listened to the wheezing breaths. 

 

Jared waved him away, taking off his jacket, and laying it on the chair, trying to get some air in his lungs. He didn’t notice the contents of his pocket falling out, he didn’t see Jensen’s eyes widen at the needles. He did notice when Jensen’s expression changed from concern to disgust and it threw him.

 

“We can’t do this Jared”

 

“Why? Look I’m sorry, but I am trying, I’m just coming off a bad cold, and I’m tired but I’m trying”

 

“It’s not that Jared, it’s the drugs. I told you I don’t tolerate my client coming in drugged to the eyeballs.”

 

”Drugs” Jared said blankly what did he mean …

 

“What are you on? Heroin? Meth?”

 

“I’m not - ”

“If you’re gonna do it, at least be honest man”

 

”I don’t - ”

 

“We’re through, I’m not wasting my time on you”

 

“But Kane - ”

 

“They’ll have to deal. Goodbye” and he left, just left the studio, left Jared standing there wondering what the fuck had just happened, Jensen had thought he was on some kind of … hang on his emergency needles, out of the jacket, on the floor … that is so not cool. 

 

And without a thought, despite his pounding headache, he knew that this needed to be sorted.

 

He followed through the same door, his expression set in one of anger, Jensen should have at least let him explain.

 

He caught up with Jensen in the kitchen off of the main hall, the older man looking a little concerned, and who wouldn’t with six four of alleged smack head bearing down on him.

 

“Hey, you can’t come in - ”

 

“Diabetes man” and with a definite flourish Jared laid the two needles and the insulin that was still in his jacket on the table “My spare needles and insulin” he pulled into his jeans, bringing out what looked like a fountain pen “and this, this is my main insulin pen, but it jammed last week, hence the spare needles, I have two main injection sites, you need to inject in fat, but I don’t have much of that, so I use my stomach” he lifted his shirt revealing two bruised areas, his words biting and kind of desperate.

 

“Jared - ”

 

“I’ve been having trouble controlling it the last few days cos of this damn virus that Ian gave me, but I tell you now I have never touched drugs in my life, whatever your opinion of easy money boy banders is...” Suddenly he ran out of temper, the spit in his mouth dry and like cotton wool. Shit, now his sugar levels go high, fucking temper.

 

“Jared, seriously I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions” 

 

“No, damn right … I need to … I have too … I’m not feeling well”

 

“Shit wadya need? Sugar right? Cola? Shit Jared, do I need to call 911?” 

 

“Fuck, no … no sugar, no 911 … I just need to inject …” his voice tailed off, the fuzz of complete exhaustion and high temper induced blood sugar making it difficult to concentrate. Years of practice, years of experience and he dialled the dose in the pen, lifting his shirt, so damn tired, injecting the fast acting insulin into his stomach, his hand falling loosely to the side.

 

“You fucking bastard Ackles” was Jared’s last words before he closed his eyes and slumped back against the kitchen worktop, willing the fuzziness in his head to subside.

 

“What can I get? What can I….”

 

”Water m’fuckin thirsty”

 

“Water, water I can do” and within seconds the glass was in Jared’s hands, Jensen hovering, helping him drink. I don’t need any help, just leave me alone.

 

“Jared, I’m so - ”

 

“Shhhhhhhhhhhh” Jared murmured, his head feeling a bit confused, “Bloody sugar levels, up and down like a yoyo this week and all it needed was tension and stress and you fucking shouting at me and my wife showing signs of living, and Lee and the money, and that is it …up goes the sugar, and then I’ll inject and when the insulin hits, down it goes and it’ll be too far and then I’m screwed again, fuck, fuck, fuck”

 

Jensen didn’t know what to say. He really didn’t know what to say. And a wife? What wife? Wasn’t Jared supposed to be gay? Wasn’t that the very reason that Jensen followed Santone’s career so closely, lusting after six four of clearly edible muscle? And Lee? Who was he a boyfriend?

 

“Jared? Jared man, we need to get you sat down, c’mon…” Jared allowed himself to be manhandled back into the studio and guided to the sofa in the corner, tired, he was very tired.

 

So ... a sleeping diabetic hunk on my sofa. Hmmmm.

 

Best cancel the next lesson then.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The return to consciousness after the temper fueled episode was not a comfortable one. Jared didn’t even have to open his eyes to know that whatever waited for him would be a) tinged with embarrassment and b) a raft full of questions. His body felt like lead, tingly, heavy, but in an odd way at peace, always the feeling he got when his sugar levels had become out of control and then reigned back in.

 

His mind dealt out small flashbacks and he heard himself groan at how out of it he had actually become. It took an awful lot for Jared Padalecki to lose his temper in such a vicious and violent way and it then took him three years to lose the embarrassment factor.

 

“Jared” Jeez, Jensen’s voice, I am so not opening my eyes, I will not open my eyes, I can’t look at him “Open your eyes Jared” No, no eyes staying firmly shut “Jared, I know you’re awake, open your eyes or I will phone 911” Shit, no, I don’t need 911.

 

“OK” Jared grouched and opened his heavy lids, blinking as he focused on the face not ten inches from his own.

 

“Hello sleeping beauty” Jensen’s voice and then more… “I rummaged man, sorry, but your testing stuff was in the jacket, I kinda think you need to check your sugar level, cos you said something about it going low?”

 

“Wha?” Jared couldn’t get a grip on what Jensen was saying, he could see Jensen’s beautiful mobil sexy ... shit ... mouth moving, but the words that came out were kinda clipped and confusing.

 

“Test. Sugar. Now” Jensen summarised, slapping the testing strips and the meter into Jared’s lax hand.

 

“M’ok” This he could do in his sleep, strip into meter, finger, squeeze, prick for blood, blood on strip, 10 seconds, reading. 

 

“Whaddya need?” Jensen asked firmly

 

“Sandwich” Jared rasped, “ham, cheese … coffee”

 

“That’s kinda specific”

 

”I’m kinda hungry and I kinda need…” Jared’s voice tailed off and he slumped back on the settee, his head pounding “…painkillers?” he added as an afterthought.

 

“OK, one post diabetic unconsciousness remedy coming up” Jensen smiled and stood up, moving back out to the kitchen, Jared listening to the older man’s movements, reassured that he was in safe hands here. His eyes fell on Jensen’s laptop screen, placed at an angle on to the small table next to the sofa and he smiled to himself at the screen showing some website called ‘Diabetes 101’, with tabs open for Wikipedia and the American Diabetes Association. He so needed to thank the guy for not calling 911, he wasn’t sure he could handle more hospitals.

 

When Jensen returned he shut the laptop lid, and Jared saw the faint blush high on his cheekbones.

 

“Here, best I could do” he said sharply, handing Jared the plate of sandwiches and placing a bottle of water and painkillers in front of him on the table.

 

“Thanks man, I mean that, thanks for not phoning 911”

 

“You were fairly adamant” Jensen commented dryly.

 

“I’ve kinda had my fill of hospitals, and I don’t really need one, I can sort myself out”

 

“Clearly” Jensen said indicating the sofa

 

“I injected, my sugar came down. I sorted it”

 

“Then you slept” 

 

“Yeah, part of the territory”

 

“On my sofa” Jensen pushed

 

”Yeah” where was this going?

 

“I had to cancel two clients.” he added 

 

“Shit, sorry man”

 

“No worries, but you owe me $900”

 

“For two clients?”

 

”For each client”

 

”Well shit”

 

”Exactly”

 

“Add it to my bill”

 

“And how does that work” Jensen pushed, enjoying winding the younger man up, despite knowing inside that he shouldn’t really be taking advantage of him in his weakened state.

 

”Send it to Kane, fucking bastards, Christian Kane and his fucking stupid ideas, let him pay”

 

“Kane eh?”

 

”Yeah, his idea - let him pay”

 

“I’ll post it on to them then.” Jared wasn’t really sure if Jensen was joking or not, his head not still entirely clear of the whole temper tantrum thing yet. But he knew he didn’t want his diabetes shouted from the rooftops, it made people different around him and he certainly did not want Christian Fucking Kane to have any reason to kick him out of the reunion.

 

“Shit man, I’ll pay, just give me the invoice”

 

“And what? You’ll pay in return for me not telling Mr Kane, our benefactor, that you collapsed on my sofa”

 

“In a nutshell” Jared looked into Jensen’s eyes defiantly, watching the play of emotions in the depths of green. He thought he spotted amusement.

 

“Eat your sandwiches, I wont say anything to anyone. But I tell you what I am doing …adding a medical questionnaire to the confidentiality contract” Then he smiled. Smiled an impossibly gorgeous smile that Jared couldn’t help but smile back to.

 

“So, what was with the reaction to the needles man?” Jensen, stood up, brushing imaginary dust from his jeans

 

“No one on drugs, high on drugs and turning up to my lesson is really taking my help seriously, why should I waste my time?” Jared sensed he wasn’t hearing the entire truth but he wasn’t going to push. Time for Jared to lay it on the line.

 

“Can I tell you something else that you can’t share with Kane?”

 

”Fire away and I’ll see” 

 

“I’m trying really hard with your lessons, I know I can sing, I know I can do this, I just needed the push in the right direction, and don’t ever tell him but I seem to kinda owe that bastard one”

 

“My lips are sealed” Jensen smirked, oh he so had ammunition over Chris now. Jared looked at him suspiciously and Jensen tried really hard to wipe the smile off of his face. “Seriously I wont say anything, about the whole diabetes - thankful to Kane thing …” Jared lips quirked in a half smile at the conviction on the older man’s face “… I promise”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared went straight from Jensen’s home to shower and change and then left almost immediately, driving across town towards Lisa. The Doctors were still pleased at the small glimmer of hope and he hoped he wouldn’t be too late to visit. They let him in with a smile, waving him past security and on into the darkening evening-shadowed corridors towards her room and touching the nameplate he opened the door.

 

He quickly settled into his chair, looking at his watch and realising he had very little time with her.

 

“Sorry Lisa, but I cant stay long, gotta go in a bit, can’t believe I let it all get to me like that, but I so lost it at Ackle’s place. Sugar went so high, all because of my stubborn bloody temper, not that you ever saw that, but I tell you once I go, I go, and I’m not telling you to worry you but Lee is up for his review and I’m a bit scared. They say there isn’t anything else they can do now, that … he … erm probably only has a few months now … I was really hoping you may wake up so you can meet him now Lisa … it’s kind of the one thing we did right … you know I always say that …” 

 

Jared knew he was rambling but he really hoped some of what he was saying would reach her.

 

“I wanted to tell you, there could be some hope for Lee, I found some stuff … some experimental drug regime … I mean I don’t have anything else left to try … I know if you were still here … what am I saying, if you were still here I wouldn’t even know I was a father would I? Damn it Lisa, you have to wake up, you need to say goodbye to Lee … what am I saying … wake up for me Lisa so I’m not alone in this … help me make the right decisions”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The hospital was quiet, it was nearly 9pm and visitors had left an hour ago. It was the quiet time, nurses talking in soft voices, when Jared slipped into the room mask over his face, gently closing the door, and crossing to the bed, looking down at the sleeping face of his son. He looked so peaceful, his head cushioned in pristine white sheets. Gently he leaned over placing a soft kiss on Lee’s head.

 

“Dad” Lee mumbles softly, half awake

 

“Shhh, go to sleep little man” Jared whispered “Just checking in on you”

 

“Mmmm” he mumbled pushing against Jared’s hand as he smoothed chestnut curls from his pale face. Jared’s heart twisted, as he looked down at his three-year old son, cursing, as he did every day, the illness that was eating at him from the inside. Dad’s were supposed to be invincible, to stop any and all hurts for their children, and looking at Lee just made him more and more certain he was the worst dad in the world.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“I want it all, all the dirt you can dig up on any of them…” his editor told him quite clearly. In reality it was just another job and he didn’t really question the order. Santone had been big a few years back, had done well for themselves off the pocket money of desperate teenager and the paychecks of hormonal twenty somethings. They had placed themselves in the arena with this comeback and he was sure a lot had happened over the last eighteen months that would satisfy the readers of the San Antone gossip mags. 

 

Where to start? Who to character assassinate first.

 

If he remembered there was some kinda scandal involving … Justin … didn’t he come out about four years ago? Yeah, he remembered headlines … gay member of Santone breaks a million hearts … bit of an exaggeration but there you go … now what was the guys name … Justin … Jason … Jarvis … Jared … Jared … with some really odd sounding surname … so yeah, the gay backing singer, surely there would be mileage in that. 

 

He had two weeks to dig, two weeks to create and falsify, two weeks to get paid. 

 

Job done

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


	3. Chapter 3

The next lesson went a lot better, Jensen’s attitude had kind of softened a bit, normally that would make Jared angry, he didn’t like being treated differently but just now with everything going round in his head he actually liked the unspoken support.

 

“Again” Jensen said, playing the first note of the scale and listening as Jared followed him along, half way through Jensen stopped and Jared hesitated.

 

“What’s wrong, have I fucked it up again?” Jared offered unhappily

 

“No, not entirely, but your breathing man” Jensen stood up, standing very close to Jared, clasping his hands. “Feel my breathing as I sing.”

 

”You sing?”

 

”It’s been known”

 

“Ok, I’m feeling, I’m feeling”

 

Jensen broke into a song Jared immediately recognised as Kane, and exchanged a wry smile with the older man, quickly wiping the smile of his face and concentrating on what he was supposed to be doing, curving his hands, one over Jensen’s chest, one at the base of his diaphragm. Feeling the sharper inhalation and the longer more deliberate exhalation as Jensen’s soft deep tones washed over him. 

 

He had lowered his eyes, watching the movement in Jensen’s body, feeling the rise and fall of skin over muscle and he unconsciously, began to match his breathing, even starting to sing along to the words Jensen was singing. As soon as he began singing he could feel the difference in the quality of his voice, the control. He began to smile, lifting his eyes to Jensen’s and locking gazes, the last chorus of the song sung between them with breathing in sync. 

 

The song finished, neither man moved, caught in the moment.

 

“So, you know the lyrics to all the Kane songs then?” Jensen said finally, breaking the spell. Still Jared didn’t move his hands.

 

“I’m ashamed to admit that despite my boy band credentials I do indeed know all the Kane lyrics, and I even admit I like their music”

 

“Interesting”

 

”Interesting how?”

 

“Kane would be kinda shocked I think”

 

“Can we add that to the list of things we are not telling them?”

 

“Jared”

 

”Hmm”

 

”You can stop feeling me breathing now” Jared looked down, his hands changed from pressing against warm body to curling into Jensen’s shirt, subconsciously not letting go. He looked back up again at the smile in jade eyes, his own smile soft on his face.

 

“I kinda enjoyed that.” He admitted softly, curling his hands tighter.

 

“I kinda enjoyed that too” Jensen replied, lifting his hand and resting warm fingers on Jared’s throat, feeling the pulse fluttering, tracing the collar of his shirt and round to the back of his neck, twisting fingers into soft hair at the nape. Jared’s eye’s closed as he leaned down slightly, closer to Jensen, as Jensen reached up the few millimetres that meant they met in a soft touching of lips, no pressure, just a slow touch. 

 

They hesitated; soft breath mingling as they paused ... taking in this new development and then Jensen pulled him closer and kissed firmly, Jared moaning low in his throat and using the tip of his tongue to trace a taste across Jensen’s lower lip. 

 

Jensen responded, angling his head and opening his mouth to Jared’s searching kiss, and suddenly Jared was in the middle of the hottest kiss he had ever had, his own hands pushing and pulling at Jensen’s shirt seeking soft skin below, running the same hands up and under and behind the older man, pulling him in closer. It was just kissing, but just kissing Jensen was enough to make him hard, so bloody hard against Jensen’s thigh. 

 

He felt Jensen, as hard as he was, pushing against him, his warm hands cupping Jared’s face. He pulled back, lips wet, and Jensen chased the kiss nibbling on Jared’s lower lip, his eyes closed, moving to kiss and suck down under his chin, onto his neck, and it was all Jared could do to stop from moaning, letting his head fall back and exposing his neck for Jensen to explore. Jensen was muttering something into Jared’s heated skin but he couldn’t make out the words as Jensen sucked and marked his throat, biting and nibbling small heated punctuations to his words.

 

“Jensen” he managed to force pass the heat in his body “Jensen, dinner” Jensen stopped immediately, pulling his head back, gripping harder with his hands

 

“Are you OK? Do you need to eat”

 

”No, no, I mean, will you go to dinner with me?

 

”Jeez man you scared me … dinner … you mean like a date?”

 

”Yeah?” Jared sounded hopeful and a bit worried

 

”God yeah”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The six men, one woman and Jared sat at the conference table, all eyes on the visiting cardiac specialist as he summarised and dissected the case that was Lee Padalecki. 

 

Jared had grown used to these conferences, but nothing prepares a father for the ninety ninth hearing of exactly what his baby had gone through given to him in the guise of the official surgical summary. 

 

Baby Padalecki born with neonatal abstinence syndrome, NAS, addicted to Heroin and other unknown opiates, including we believe methadone … premature birth at N+30 weeks … birthweight 3lb 5 ounces, lungs stable … significant withdrawal in the baby … symptoms of withdrawal typical at four to six months … presented as seizures 33 hours after birth … in addition tremors, excessive crying, tight muscle tone and hyperactive reflexes … neonatal abstinence scoring system assessment … morphine vs phenobarbitone implementation and assessment … methadone implemtation moderately successful … atrial septal defect (ASD) … initially diagnosed with pulmonary valve stenosis … re-diagnosed following recurrent ear infections … the wall separating the upper chambers of the heart is absent … mixing of the oxygenated and deoxygenated blood … heart murmur … misdiagnosis at birth + 18 weeks with renal failure … catheters … placed in the left ventricle and the ascending aorta, to measure the pressure difference between these structures.

 

Eighteen weeks ... that is when they tracked Jared down, and pulled him into the nightmare world of hospitals and death and uncertain outcomes. His marriage to Lisa wasn’t even real, not in his eyes or hers, she was a backing dancer to Santone, they had been friends, one very drunken night in Vegas and they were married, and waking up with Lisa in his arms the morning after, still halfway drunk, well that had been OK too, he wasn’t exactly gay, more like bi anyway. 

 

He remembered nothing of the sex, agreed the marriage could just be until they reached the two years requisite for quickie divorce and they parted ways. Jared back on the final Sanantone tour, Lisa somewhere else. He never really knew where, wasn’t really bothered to be fair. Until almost a year later, just as Santone were going through the final acrimonious meltdown, when the police tracked him down. He was Jared Padalecki, yes? He had a wife Lisa Padalecki, cut from a car wreck, in a coma, and a baby boy, not more than two weeks old in the neonatal ICU at General, and would he like to accompany them to the hospital. And that is how it started.

 

Lee was dying. He had never really stood a chance; being born to a heroine addict, addicted from his first breath, his heart was too badly damaged. After two years of misdiagnosis and treatments his precious baby boy was dying, had been given a final deadline. Words in the conference flowed over him, meaning nothing in the context of carrying his son out of this hospital and finding somewhere quiet where they could both die if this last attempt failed. There was no way Lee was losing the battle for life in the stark environment of the hospital, the only home he had ever known. 

 

They moved on to the new treatment and finally Jared listened. He only heard the word open-heart surgery to begin to cry, quietly, his emotions bubbling so close to the surface. They didn’t stop; they knew Jared wanted them to go on, they knew he wanted to hear. Surgery was set for three days time, he signed the papers that were Lee’s last chance and then Jared stood suddenly, needing to leave, needing to be with Lee. 

 

No one stopped him.

 

When he reached Lee’s room, he touched the nameplate and walked in on his mom, who was curled up in the chair next to his son’s bed reading to him from an anthology of fairy tales, happy ones he hoped.

 

“JT” she said looking up smiling at her middle child, the smile turning to a frown when she saw her son’s eyes. Jared said nothing just crossed to the bed, seeing that Lee was asleep and dropping a small kiss on his son’s head. “How did it go? Did they think I should have been in there with you; I should have been there? How is your sugar?” Trust his mum to give him three questions in the space of one.

 

“Sugar’s fine, they understood you were here with Lee and it went OK, if by OK you mean open heart surgery in three days along with only a 20% chance of survival let alone recovery.” He started to cry again, he just couldn’t seem to stop, and his mom stood up wrapping her tall son in a patented mom hug, something that went a small way to making Jared feel a bit better and a lot less alone.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It was the frustration and driving grief inside him that led him to what he did that night. He couldn’t tell Jensen why, couldn’t even begin to share anything that would explain his actions, he just knew he needed more than polite conversation at a restaurant, stilted and unsure, so instead he pulled a smiling Jensen into his 4x4 and drove him back to his house, not saying a word, just turning music up and closing down. To his credit Jensen didn’t say a word, just looked kind of confused, as Jared stopped outside the house, grabbed bags from the car and walked up the path, juggling and opening the door, sensing Jensen behind him.

 

With Jensen safely in, he locked the door behind him and slumped back against the wall.

 

“S’okay with you I need to be here tonight?”

 

”No worries? Are you OK? Is your sugar - ”

 

“I’m fine” Jared broke in, kind of irritably “I don’t need to inject and I don’t need to eat”

 

“So the reason you are being kind of an ass on our first date is … ?”

 

“I have had the worst day Jensen, I’m sorry, I’ll apologise now”

 

“We all have bad days man, it’ll be - ”

 

He moved before Jensen even finished his sentence, pushing the man back against the wall, his kisses aggressive and at the same time needy. He had so much pent up lust and aggression in his soul, so much need. For his sins he seemed to push all the right buttons as Jensen just groaned back into the onslaught, his own hands seemingly desperate to touch Jared, sliding under his shirt, groping flesh. 

 

They parted long enough for Jared to plead and enough time for Jensen to reply fuck yes.

 

They didn’t talk again, nothing more than groaned names and unanswered questions, falling to the floor where they stood, clothes pushed aside, not even removed until their dicks aligned and Jared wrapped one huge hand on them both and they just pushed and kissed and fucked into Jared’s hand, reaching orgasm close together, still kissing, mouths duelling, until they both calmed down, Jared rolling to one side, laying on his back on the cold wooden floor, tears in his eyes, his breath hitching, until the tears were too much and the grief was too hard and his chest tightened and he couldn’t breath. 

 

Jensen rolled over, supporting himself on his left elbow, kissing away the tears that rolled down his new lover’s face, not understanding why they were there but trying to help, his right hand stroking and kneading tight muscles, soft whispers of nonsense helping Jared to focus. He dropped small kisses onto Jared’s neck, draping himself more over the younger man’s body, his caresses firm and insistent, pausing at the fluttering pulse, listening as his breathing came more under control. Gently Jensen climbed to his feet, hitching his jeans and toeing off his sneakers, pulling Jared until he too stood and guiding him to the sofa eyeing his lover’s pale face worriedly.

 

“Stay here” he whispered gently, pushing and pulling at Jared until he lay prone on the sofa and dropped a blanket from the single chair over the still crying man. Now was not the time to ask questions, now was the time to make food and Jensen imagined that was what was in the bags Jared brought in from the car. Rummaging through the bags though Jensen guessed Jared had planned on take out because it contained chip and dips and beer, not great sustenance for a diabetic he imagined. 

 

Looking around the spartan kitchen he found a stack of takeout menus, Chinese, Thai, Indian. He finally located one for the local family restaurant, ordering steak and potatoes and salad and a selection of puddings, mentioning diabetes, which didn’t seem to faze the guy.

 

What arrived was a huge amount of food and he laid it all out on the kitchen table, locating the testing stuff and placing it next to Jared’s plate, before moving over to the sofa and leaning down over Jared.

 

“Food?” He said softly, helping to disentangle six four of clumsy giant from the blanket and guiding him to sit at the table. Jared smiled with blurry red eyes and his hair every which way from Jensen’s bruising grip during sex. He silently tested his levels, nodding and muttering and dialing the pen, injecting in the usual place.

 

“Food” Jared finally sighed and Jensen watched as Jared virtually inhaled the steak and potatoes in one go. Finally finished, he leaned back; his eyes on Jensen’s plate “You not hungry?” he asked laughing, seeing Jensen’s plate still half full.

 

“Some of us take our time and enjoy our food” Jensen snarked with a grin.

 

“I suppose I really owe you an apology” Jared mumbled with a sigh.

 

”No, we all have bad days dude”

 

“Not all of which are solved by hot sex in a hallway”

 

“You don’t see me complaining… but you know … if you wanna talk, I’ve been told I’m a good listener.”

 

“Jesus, man, where do I start? And lets be honest, a bit of mutual masturbation on a hallway floor isn’t enough for you to have to listen to my problems.”

 

“No shit. Lets go and do the whole thing then, and then you’ll have earned the right to tell me.” Jensen was trying to make it sound snarky but it just came off as a bit hurt.

 

”Jen, I didn’t mean that, it’s just that I really like you, I could see this going further…” he tailed off looking for agreement, shy and nervous he wouldn’t get it.

 

“I do too” Jared looked surprised.

 

”So, if I lay all my crap on you what does that make me?”

 

”My lover. It makes you my lover. And as such you become the man I want to share everything with.” Jensen let his hand fall on the table, and Jared took the cue, grasping the other mans hand and starting. 

 

Just starting from the beginning.

 

“Lisa was one of the Santone backing singers, dancers, you know … we were friends … I knew she did heroine, knew she was in a programme … on methadone … we did a show in Vegas … a big one … you know, I was on a high, drunk to the eyeballs and basically ended up married” He smirked as Jensen choked on a mouthful of steak, waiting until he had his breathing up under control. Understanding nothing from Jensen’s gestures as he coughed.

 

“You … me … gay” Jensen finally managed to get out.

 

“You … gay … me … bi” Jared smiled, “Well at least once anyway” he added his lips twisting in a sly grin.

 

“Jesus man, you nearly killed me”

 

”S’ok I know the heimlich manoeuvre … so anyway, I wake up next morning, we talk, neither of us actually want to be married, but hey, we are, so we decide to just leave it, the two years, whatever, and that was kinda it, Santone didn’t last much longer, maybe a year or so. So … coupla nights after the last concert I get a visit from the cops, apparently someone called Lisa Padalecki had been involved in a car accident and did I know her.” Jensen tightened his grip on Jared’s hand, reassuring. “Well, by the time they had tracked me down … she was in a coma … she’s been in coma for like the last eighteen months and this week her brain is showing some changes, so like fingers crossed she wakes up”

 

“I hope so, that sounds like good news man”

 

”It is, it is, but I visit her ever other day and I think some of what I am saying may be sinking in, helping her to wake up”

 

“Reunion stuff”

 

”Nah … well yeah … but I also told her about you … and then there is the whole other thing”

 

”Other thing?”

 

”Lee”

 

”Lee?”

 

”Lee, my son”

 

“Your son”

 

”Yeah, Lee, gorgeous, he’s two, he’s mine and Lisa’s, one night was all it took to create the one thing I love more than anything in this world. Thing is Jen, he was born … he was born an addict … heroin, methadone”

 

”Shit man”

 

”And that isn’t the worst, he was born early, really small and he has like this heart defect … an atrial septal defect … ASD … he is kinda not …” Jared was lost for words to explain how someone so tiny could have so much wrong, he looked into Jen’s sympathetic eyes, not seeing pity, just understanding of a sort.

 

“Go on” Jensen encouraged softly

 

“So, he has all these things they try and do, he’s never been outside of the hospital, I sleep there every night with him, I visit him every day, they’ve tried everything and they’ve …” Jared stopped. Didn’t know how to say it without crying again. Jensen made a noise of encouragement. “… he needs to have surgery, it’s his last chance, it’s new and untried and my baby needs open heart surgery, without it they don’t think he’ll make it christmas, and I’ve dealt with that as much as I can, but today, well today they signed off on the surgery, in like three days … and I’ve … it’s … “

 

”It’s too much, it’s the last thing, and you can’t hold it all in anymore”

 

Jared let out a pent up breath “yeah” he said softly, “and I’m sorry it was you I took it out on” 

 

”Jeez dude” he snorted “don’t even go there”

 

”So, now you know”

 

”And what did you do? Did you sign your permission today?”

 

”Yeah it’s all on me”

 

”You going to sleep there tonight?”

 

”Yeah” Jared looked apologetic, as if he expected Jensen to be disappointed. “My sister is there with him at the moment, the whole family like rallied round”

 

”Can I meet him tonight?”

 

”Really? I mean he’ll be asleep.”

 

”Yeah, he’s yours, I wanna see him, to know him, and hey, I get to meet your sister”

 

“Megan, Meg”

 

”Well I’ll meet Megan Meg as well” Jensen smiled reassuringly, 

 

”OK.” Jared stared into Jensen’s intriguing eyes, seeing the smile there, the reassurance, the friendship, and it was a good and very safe feeling.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It was amazing what you could dig up. A wife … now that was intriguing, a wife in a coma, the result of a car accident. 

 

Boring though.

 

Gay star of fading boy band puts wife in coma in drug fuelled car crash

 

Hmmm.

 

Not a star, a wannabe star?

 

Gay wannabe star of fading boy band puts wife in coma in drug fuelled car crash.

 

Nah still not right.

 

Gay needs to be first then imply lack of morals next, heroin addict, no morals there …. wannabe sounds too innocent … 

 

Gay heroin addict puts wife in coma in drug fuelled car crash.

 

Yeah that sounds good…

 

Wait a few days, and then the son… now that was going to be an easy one, he already had that headline.

 

Jared Padalecki dumps dying kid and wife for drug fuelled gay orgies

 

All he needed to do was find a partner for Jared and that was a given, he’d just start watching the guy, he’d give himself away soon.


	4. Chapter 4

The nurse at the front desk smiled at Jared, a warm and welcoming smile that didn’t diminish when she saw Jensen trailing in behind.

 

“Megan is here” she said softly

 

“Yeah, I know, how has he been this evening?”

 

”Mostly sleeping Jared, but comfortable”

 

Jared signed the visitor’s book with practise ease, handing the pen to Jensen and indicating he should add his name to a long list of Padaleckis that stretched back some way which Jensen did without hesitation. There were other names in the book and Jensen didn’t even want to start thinking about which child the families were visiting, about what other children with a sentence of death hanging over them resided in this ward.

 

They walked down a long dimly lit corridor, past murals of teddies and hot air balloons, castles and soldiers, each image 

carefully drawn and filled in with care and attention. Until they reached a room with Lee Padalecki on the door. Jensen stopped.

 

“Should we be going in there dressed like this man? What about germs and stuff?” he asked worriedly

 

“S’fine, there are masks if you have like a cold and stuff but Lee is robust and quite healthy, just tired a lot really. You OK?” 

 

Jensen nodded and watched as Jared touched the name on the door with his fingers, reverently, gently, and then quietly pushed the door open.

 

“Hey Sis” he whispered, to a tall girl sitting in the chair next to a bed. 

 

She turned with a curious expression on her face “I thought you were…” but her voice tailed of when she spotted Jensen coming in behind her brother. “Oh” was what she finally said, a small smile on her face.

 

“Jensen, Megan, Megan Jensen” Jared introduced and Jensen extended his hand which Megan immediately took, standing up and pulling Jensen too her for a hug.

 

“Nice to meet the boyfriend” she whispered into Jensen’s ear, and they exchanged small smiles. Jensen turned as Jared moved to the bed, leaning over, and dropping a gentle kiss onto the curly chestnut hair of a small boy. Lee squirmed, his eyes opening half way.

 

“Daddy” he breathed and smiled, his hands going up to close round Jared’s neck. Jared just sunk down into his little boys hold, breathing in baby powder and the warmth of his sons skin, holding the position and whispering I love you’s on his sons face.

 

“M’tired Daddy, Megan read me a story.”

 

“Which one this time?” 

 

“Cowboys ‘n’ Indians””

 

”Wow my favourite… hey little man I brought someone to meet you”

 

”Doctor?” Jared’s heart clenched that his son’s first thought was yet another Doctor

 

“Nah, Daddy’s friend, Jensen”

 

”Jennen” Lee tried

 

“Jensen” Jared corrected

 

”Jennen” Lee said again, grinning impishly

 

“Jen” Jensen finally offered smiling and moving closer so that Lee could see him.

 

“Hi Jen” Lee wasn’t at all shy, it seemed, smiling a toothy smile up at his Daddy’s friend.

 

“Hi Lee, how ya doin?”

 

”M’tired”

 

“I know I heard you say”

 

“So you read stories?” Lee asked

 

“Don’t push it boyo” Jared laughed, but Jensen just ignored him.

 

“No, I do, I do a mean Cowboys ‘n’ Indians” Jensen smiled down at a miniature version of Jared, his heart pounding in his chest.

 

“You can go sis, if ya like, I’m staying now” Jared offered, clasping his sisters hand in his and squeezing it reassuringly.

 

“If you’re sure big bro … I’ll walk Jensen out” she said not so subtly.

 

“If it’s ok with Jay I’d like to stay a while?” Jensen offered and Jared just nodded before bending over and losing himself in special Daddy/Lee cuddles again.

 

“How about you walk me out then” Megan pushed and as Jensen looked helplessly at his new lover he knew he was being faced with the whole don’t hurt my brother thing, he was happy to go for it, he was keeping Jay, not hurting him. 

 

“I want to show you something” Megan said softly leading him down the corridor and stopping at one of the larger murals. A castle in clouds, strong stone walls in a sea of cerulean blue, soft fluffy clouds circling sweeping turrets, a small boy standing on the top most turret, dressed as a cowboy, a small boy with flicky, curly, hair. “Jared painted this.” She said softly

 

“He did?” There was no small amount of wonder in Jensen’s voice; it was very beautiful. 

 

They continued walking down the corridor; Jensen watching as Jared’s sister leaned over to sign herself out, exchanging softly spoken words with the Nurse. Jensen caught snatches of conversation, it sounded medical, but he understood restless and tired.

 

“It’s really nice to meet you Jensen” she said at the door, leaning up to place a kiss on his cheek.

 

“Is that it? No warnings about not hurting Jared?”

 

”Will you hurt him?”

 

”I will try my utmost not too.” He answered truthfully. 

 

She smiled at his honesty, “I don’t need to say it, why do you think I showed you the painting? Jared’s heart is in that painting, for all to see, it is enough for me to tell you that.” And then she left, Jensen watching as she reached her car, climbed in with a small wave and left the hospital car park.

 

Jensen returned to the room, Jared still snuggling into Lee, a soft murmured conversation between them, punctuated with soft giggles from both of them. He sat into the chair Megan had just vacated and just soaked in the love that was obviously between Jared and his son, sending a prayer skyward that all was going to be OK.

 

When Jared finally tucked the sheet in and around his now sleeping son he straightened and turned to Jensen, a faint blush on his face.

 

“Coffee needed … nurses lounge now …” he said smirking

 

“Will Lee be OK on his own?” Jensen asked standing and looking down at the sleeping child

 

“Yeah, we have at least a coupla hours and I have this…” Jared waved the monitor in his hand and led Jensen out and further down to a door marked nurses lounge, opening the door and stepping inside, standing in front of rather an impressive coffee machine.

 

“Doesn’t look like standard hospital issue”

 

”It isn’t, it does good coffee though, black yeah?”

 

”Yeah, cool”

 

And they sat, for two hours, next to each other on the sofa, sinking down, taking it in turns to try the machines settings for hot chocolate and coffee. Every so often a nurse would appear to make use of the monster drinks machine, stopping to talk to Jared like old friends, talking about Lee, shaking Jensen’s hand.

 

It was 1am in the morning when Jared rose, commenting that he really needed sleep unless he wanted to die at band practice tomorrow and Jensen made his excuses to leave, waiting in the room until Jared had laid back on the spare bed in Lee’s room, pulling Jensen down for a heated goodbye kiss.

 

“Hellava first date” Jensen kissed into Jared’s skin, and they smiled at each other.

 

Nice start.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

He watched from his car, had taken enough photos to complete article one, all he needed was to crop the hospital, capture this other guy on film with enough graininess to suggest a late night assignation, find out his name, run with it. 

 

Easy money.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared had kept himself fit. He worked out. He went on runs. 

 

So why was it that 2 hours in to the dance routines that used to be as easy as breathing to him, was he convinced he was dying? And he wasn’t the only one. All five of Santone were huffing and puffing and moaning and laid out on the floor.

 

“Shit I feel so old.” This from Ian, who had the hardest job, dancing the routines and at the same time singing as the main vocalist.

 

“Jesus God” Shaun responded from his position prone on the floor “I feel like 30” he added.

 

Jared just listened from his own position on the floor, his eyes shut … visualising the complicated twists and turns that made Santone’s shows so awesome and wondering if he’ll ever be able to walk again.

 

“Five minutes guys” a soft feminine voice broke into their collapsed huddle on the floor

 

“Five minutes” Shaun echoed, “Jesus woman”

 

“Five minutes like I said”

 

“Is it just me or is she trying to kill us”

 

Five minutes went too quickly, they only had eight weeks till show time, they needed every minute, and as they started the next steps, gyrating and pushing his hips, Jared decided there and then he so needed to start working out harder.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

”Chris are you free this evening man?”

 

”Yeah, wassup Jen?”

 

”Beers and Madden at mine, 7”

 

”With the guys?”

 

”Nah, just you and me”

 

”M’okay”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared shuffled, shuffled, to his wife’s room, every muscle screaming in protest, every bone aching and every available inch of skin sore and rubbed raw. The nurse on the front desk had asked if he was OK; it was all Jared could do to summon up a smile but he somehow managed it. 

 

Touching her name he entered the room, dropping into the chair next to her and exhaling noisily.

 

“I swear being 26 is gonna kill me” he started and then smirked, feeling the satisfaction if his muscles burning, the rhythms of the music in his head “Oh Leec, I wish you’d been there dancing with me, so much fun”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen offered a beer and sat down, the games station silent next to the TV.

 

“What is it Jen?” Chris asked seriously, leaning forward, elbows on his knees

 

“It’s this bet Chris … I think we need to call it off”

 

”Why man, is he that bad? I mean if it worries you I can call the whole singing lesson thing off and they can just lip synch”

 

“No Chris, he isn’t that bad, in fact he has a lot of raw talent, he’s not huge, he’s not Ian, he’s not you or Steve, but he has talent.”

 

”So what is the problem dude?”

 

”It’s Jared, I … I … think … no I know … he’s my boyfriend” Chris looked alternately shocked and disbelieving, and downed his beer in one. “Say something man”

 

“You … you are … boyfriends with I sleep with anything male or female and have no morals Padalecki”

 

“Chris - ”

 

“Backing singer, tall … shit Jen”

 

”He’s not everything people say he is dude”

 

”So tell me what is he?”

 

”A caring man, a man who I swear I am falling in love with”

 

“It’s been … what … a week?”

 

”That’s enough”

 

”Jeez, cant you see what he is doing? He’s using you like he used all those others when Santone were big”

 

“He was 19 when he started Chris, he had it thrown at him, shit, you did just as bad”

 

Chris looked defensive “The drink man, he was an alcoholic … and the drugs …”

 

”No, there was never any drugs”

 

“Shit, did he tell you that?”

 

“He did and I believe him”

 

”What the fuck Jensen, since when were you so easily fooled”

 

“You don’t know the whole story”

 

“So tell me”

 

“I can’t, it isn’t my story to tell”

 

“This isn’t like you Jen, what is going on?”

 

“Look I just wanted you to know that I have someone in my life, I was excited, you are my best friend Chris”

 

“It’s wrong Jen, this boy - ”

 

“He’s a man Chris”

 

”This boy, he is out for something, using you somehow, he has the morals of an alley cat”

 

”Chris, I don’t get it - ”

 

“Enough Jen, seriously enough, you can’t do this, I can’t support you in these. Remember I’ll be here when you need me, when it all goes wrong”

 

And he left. Put the empty beer bottle on the table and left. Jensen sat, so shocked, he didn’t even try to stop him.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Chris sat outside his own house, sat in the car, his head spinning, how could his Jen and Jared … how could Jen do that to him? 

 

How could he succeed in grabbing Jared? 

 

When Jared had turned Chris down? Had humiliated him? 

 

He thought back to that night. 

 

The night when a very drunk Jared had led him on; had pulled him in with his eyes and his body and then sobered up when they were so close and left.

 

Just left, left with that addict he danced with, Linda, or Lisa, or something like that, in his hands a bag of something, his eyes fixed.

 

The night Jared Padalecki chose drugs and a girl over him.

 

And how long was it till he did the same to Jensen?


	5. Chapter 5

The day of the surgery found Jared laying wide awake on the bed next to Lee’s bed, his mind blank, every emotion spent and empty.

 

He knew his family would be there.

 

Putting their faith in medicine, in the radical new and untested drug regime that would be used after the surgery.

 

He couldn’t face them yet.

 

So he waited, knowing they wouldn’t intrude in this quiet time.

 

It was 6am when the surgeon arrived, calling for prep, nurses around him, another surgeon there, all smiling supportively, not allowing worry to seep through.

 

Jared watched.

 

Kissed Lee goodbye.

 

Murmured reassurances.

 

Promised to be here when he came back, like it was any other day.

 

Lee clung briefly, but then, he let go, instead curling his small hands around one of his favourite nurses, his eyes huge with wonder and excitement and his thumb firmly in his mouth.

 

Jared waved.

 

He waved.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A good hour later he moved into the hall.

 

His mom and dad, Megan, Jeff and his wife.

 

All sat waiting for him.

 

With another in their midst.

 

Jensen.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It was the longest six hours of Jared’s life, everyone quiet and introspective, very few words exchanged. 

 

Jeff slumped in the same position the entire time his face in a frown the surgeon in him desperate to be in there with the team, Megan explored bringing back leaflets and magazines trying to help. Jared’s parents talked softly between them, hands clasped and anxiety high.

 

And Jared, Jared just didn’t know what to do with himself, but wherever he sat, or stood, or leaned, Jensen was there, reassuring and talking in low tones, asking questions about Lee, about Lisa, learning Jared from boy to man. They took it in turns to get coffee and it was on one of Jensen’s turns that he discovered it had been Jared that had donated the space age machine to the nurses as thanks for their support and friendship and for what they did for the Padaleckis. It was yet another facet to Jared that Jensen hoarded greedily.

 

It was Jeff that stood first when the primary surgeon appeared in the waiting room. It was Jeff who asked all of the right questions. It was Jeff who turned to Jared with a smile and told his younger brother that it had gone well and that Lee was responding well post operation. Jared shook the surgeon’s hand, not knowing what to say but thank you, and then let himself be led to a viewing window outside of NICU to look through at his son. He could barely look, terrified of what he would see, but Jeff stood steady next to him explaining what each wire did, where every tube went, in a low reassuring voice that anchored Jared to the here and now. 

 

He tried to listen dispassionately, tried to imagine what Jeff was saying, when all he wanted to do was run in and scoop Lee up, run for the hills, follow him wherever he went in the next life. He didn’t want Lee in pain, he listened to the terms Jeff used, the morphine, the drips, the new drug regime that would help his son, the experimental drug regime. Words like only hope and positive and statistics thrown about like confetti, 70%, 60%, 15%, it mean nothing and they jumbled into chaos in his head.

 

“Jeff” Jared suddenly blurted out, his hands flat against the plastic between him and his son “Jeff, tell me he’s going to be OK”

 

“Jay, I can’t, all I can tell you is that he has every chance - ”

 

“Every chance” he repeated brokenly, his brothers arms settling on his shoulder, Megan tucked under his arm, her tears hot and wet on his shirt, he hands gripped in to the material and twisting tight. The three stood there, looking in at Lee, Jared’s mom and dad to their left, and Jensen felt his heart shift again, tears pricking the back of his eyes, not knowing what to say or do to make any of this any better.

 

The next 48 hours were crucial, and it was an unspoken agreement that, for as long as Jared stood and watched his son, between them there would be one person with Jared at all times, watching him, supporting him, loving him … Jensen included.

 

It was 45 hours until Lee was finally weened off of the heavy meds and allowed back to consciousness, it was 49 hours until they removed the drips and the tubes and it was 56 hours before Jared’s family could convince him to go home and get some sleep, just for a few hours, nothing more, with the added promise that all four of them would be here and would it be OK for Jensen to drive him home. Jensen had actually managed sleep in between supporting Jared, when Megan made him, and he actually felt OK but he knew Jared hadn’t slept properly since the operation began.

 

“Jared, shower, sleep, we can back in a few hours” Jensen urged and was pleased when the clearly exhausted Jared started to move. Jensen explained he was taking him back to his house, Megan just nodded.

 

When they got back he pushed Jared in for shower and then got himself ready for bed, waiting for Jared to finish before guiding him to his room and starting to leave for the spare room. Jared protested, catching Jensen’s hand and pulling him down next to him, curling onto his side and snuggling back against Jensen’s warm body, falling asleep in seconds, his breathing steady and calm. 

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It was the steady hammering on his front door that finally broke through Jensen’s sleep. He had cancelled his clients so he couldn’t understand who would need him at Jesus 7am.

 

Blearily he eased himself away from a gently snoring Jared, smiling with affection as Jared muttered his displeasure at the movement in his sleep, pulling on jeans and a Tshirt and made his way downstairs, checking who was at the door and opening it to a very irate Chris.

Chris who stormed past Jensen, clutching a newspaper, well several newspapers actually, and turned in a sudden, movement to face his friend.

 

“I told you Jensen, I told you he was no good, he’s screwing you over … look…”

 

Still only half asleep, Jensen took the paper from Chris’s hand and turned it over, the black of the headline a blur without his glasses. 

Swearing, Chris took it back “Gay heroin addict puts wife in coma in drug fuelled car crash.” He read, his voice dripping with vitriol, his face stone, his blue eyes hard. “He nearly killed his wife Jen, that Lisa girl, did you even know he was married?”

 

”Chris, it’s not - ”

 

“Oh my god Jen, have you fucked him? Is he fucking you? The drugs? Has he even been tested? You don’t know where … shit Jen, it says in here that they were high on drugs, he was driving, he crashed the car and he left the scene.” Jensen looked back steadily, opening his mouth to say something…

 

“None of it is true” Jared’s voice behind them, they both turned, a fully dressed Jared stood at the base of the stairs.

 

“Jared - ” Jensen started

 

“Padalecki, what the fuck” In seconds Chris was up close and personal in Jared’s space, and despite the height difference he was running on high temper and fear for Jensen and he wasn't at all afraid. “What did you do? What are you doing?”

 

”Jensen…” Jared’s voice tailed off, as Jensen moved to stand in between the two men.

 

“Enough Chris, what’s in the paper is blatantly untrue, how can you even believe the shit that is in there?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I? I mean, I see him leaving a party, barely outta short pants, this Lisa girl dragging behind, coke in a bag, I tried to tell you Jen”

 

“What gives you the right to bring this here anyway?” Jared asked quickly.

 

“Because Jensen is my best friend and you are just screwing him over, somehow you are gonna - ”

 

“Best friend Jen, your best friend is Christian Fucking Kane?”

 

“For my sins - ” Jensen started but was shouted down by Chris raising a full head of steam.

 

“Pack your fucking bags and get out of Jensen’s house” Chris ordered, like he actually had any say in Jensen’s home, waving the paper and it’s stark black headlines under Jared’s nose.

 

“Chris – enough!” With some force, Jensen pushed his friend away from Jared, moving to stand next to his new lover “Jay isn’t going anywhere”

 

“What the fuck Jensen – ”

 

“What is in the paper is untrue man, a complete lie, made up to fill gossip pages”

 

”Do you deny you’re married Padalecki?” Chris spat out the question.

 

”No I don’t deny I’m married, but I didn’t find out about … shit why am even doing this, I need to phone the care home” Jensen handed him a phone and watched as Jared dialled and spoke briefly and succinctly, asking for security on Lisa, telling them not to talk to anyone, not to let anyone else in… Jensen pulled Chris to the other side of the room.

 

“I kinda get where you’re coming from man, for some unexplained reason you are worried about me, but Jesus, the poor guy has been through enough and then we add these headlines and then you jump on him, just leave it”

 

”Leave it, I can’t just - ”

 

“You can … or Chris, I mean it … you leave”

 

“You are choosing him - ”

 

“What are you Chris? Nine? I am where I want to be, with the one person I want to be with, if you leave you leave, if you calm down and act rational then you can stay”

 

“I don’t need your permission to - ”

 

“Enough Chris, seriously, enough”

 

Jared had finished on the phone call to the home and was now on the phone Megan, Jensen tried to listen over and beyond Chris muttering, but he couldn’t make it out.

 

“Jen, me and this guy … we have history man”

 

”On night of drunk fuelled kissing does not a history make.” Jared snarked from behind Jensen, obviously hearing what Chris had said. 

 

All of a sudden it was too much, Jared looked exhausted still and pale and Chris looked so red Jensen thought he was going to have a heart attack and Jensen was really very confused.

 

“It was one party” Jared said simply, his own temper rising.

 

“Didn’t stop you at others

 

“I was 19 when we …” Jared’s voice tailed off

 

“And your point is”

 

“Well it was kind nice pulling the lead singer of Kane” Jared snarked

 

Jensen couldn’t believe what he was hearing

 

“You two…” he waved his hand between them and the both turned to him looking shocked 

 

“No” Jared said

 

“Fuck no” Chris added at the same time. “He left with that dancer and a bag full of stuff, needles, I was well out of that one”

 

”Jared is a diabetic” Jensen pointed out, Chris didn’t say anything just looked at Jared pointedly

 

“There was heroin in there and cocaine” Jared admitted “But it wasn’t mine, I kinda pulled Lisa outta there, some guys were … it wasn’t good for her to be there … I took her home and I sat with her”

 

“An’ we’re s’posed to believe - ”

 

“I don’t give a shit what you believe …” his voice sounded shaky and he stared into Jensen’s clear green eyes “… what either of you believe, I’m gone, I have to go.” He grabbed his cell “Do I need to call a taxi”

 

“No Jay, I’m coming with.” Jensen picked up his keys and followed him to the door, “lock up behind you man”

 

Chris was left speechless, feeling a little awkard and a lot concerned that maybe he was getting this wrong. Jensen wasn’t stupid, he knew how to judge people, and jeez Padalecki looked ill, what the fuck was going on?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It was Ian who got through first. The one and only person that Jared was prepared to talk to in the band

 

“Jayman”

 

“Ian”

 

“Saw the papers man”

 

“Yeah”

 

“Complete crap”

 

“Yeah”

 

“OK, see you tomorrow at practice, call us if’n you need us, an of us”

 

”Thanks, I will”

 

“And Jay, if you need us to pull outta this gig, you tell us, we talked, we’re not gonna expose you to this shit”

 

“Thanks dude”

 

”No worries”

 

As simple as that.


	6. Chapter 6

The fuss died down after a few days. 

 

Until the new headline appeared.

 

Jared Padalecki dumps dying kid and wife for drug experimentation.

 

This was even worse. That they brought in Lee was more than Jared could handle and he began to refuse to leave Lee’s side, to the detriment of his own well-being.

 

Not only that, but it mentioned Jensen by name as an involved third party and if Jensen’s business suffered because of him.

 

Reporters hassled Jared, his family, Santone, for details, and it was the worst thing Jared had ever seen, like sharks circling for blood. They dug up people from Jared’s past, people he hardly knew. And the lies … the lies were awful … so intense … that he had paid for an abortion … that he hadn’t wanted Lee. 

 

He just wanted to stand on a rooftop and scream … I didn’t know about Lee, I didn’t even know Lisa was pregnant … but he didn’t. He watched and found strength as his scrappy little fighter pushed hard and long and began to recover, began to smile, reacted well to the drugs, and that was what Jared focused on.

 

“Jay, can I get you a coffee?” Jensen was there again.

 

“Jensen, what has happened to all your clients?” Jared suddenly asked. “You haven’t been home properly in like 10 days”

 

“I just rescheduled them, no biggie” Jensen smiled, dropping a small kiss of Jensen’s dry lips and moving the door, “Coffee, white, two sugars.” Jared just nodded, not knowing how to say thanks ... but he was so bloody thankful for Jensen’s steadying presence, which had been both physical and mental. 

 

They had taken to sleeping together when they could, not even kissing, just hugging, and Jared needed that. Needed the physical contact, wondering just how long it would be before Jensen got tired of all of this and just left, with Jared at the moment not physically capable of trying for a proper relationship.

 

Jared focused his entire energies on Lee and practicing with Santone, all of who had closed around him in a tight protective circle.

 

Jensen and him hadn’t talked about the whole Chris incident, it had paled into insignificance next to Lee, although they had met up with him and he had muttered a low apology to them both. 

 

He had then launched into an explanation of why a press conference would be good. 

 

Jared refused, Jensen backed Jared's decision. Chris grumped.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It was their first proper rehearsal on the stage, there was still the buzz surrounding Jared, but he really wasn’t sure what the reporters were waiting for outside the rehearsal. 

 

They were probably expecting rock rebel Jared, high on something, effing and blinding at them. Instead they got neatly pressed Jared, who politely answered limited questions and moved past them through to the stage entrance.

 

He was the last to arrive and he hovered at the door uncertainly. Watching the interaction between his friends in Santone and the guys from Kane, the torturer/choreographer, the stage manager and oh so many other people that formed his new and complicated world. 

 

He just wished Jensen was here, missed his quiet unassuming presence.

 

“Jared” Chris spotted him hovering and typically drew attention to him in a very Chris way, by jumping over and drawing a very uncertain Jared into a full on hug. “Sorry man” he whispered into Jared’s ear, for him only to hear, “I hope you can - ”

 

“Forgeddit” Jared drawled and pulled himself back, just as the entire rest of Santone jumped on him pummelling him to the floor, all laughing.

 

It was good to be back.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen watched from the shadows of the wings as Santone ran through their first three songs, listening for Jared, he sounded good, still a bit breathy from the dancing … but Jeez, the dancing was like so hot, so energetic, so much passion and Jensen realised he was obsessing about Jared’s skin slick with sweat.

 

He moved out of the shadows to Chris and the rest of Kane who were sat in a corner with guitars, singing and playing over the noise of Santone. It was organised chaos and it was a fantastic feeling, reminded him of college. He looked up at the stage, looked directly at Jared, his face creased in a smile looking back at him. Jensen smiled and waved, Jared waved.

 

“God Jen could you be any more gay?” this from Chris who was smirking.

 

“Did you - ” apologise like you said you were going to …

 

”I did” to his face, like I promised I would

 

”Good” thanks man

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Megan arrived at the hospital at 10 that night, sending Jared home, saying she wanted to stay with her nephew, Jared didn’t argue, just pulled her into a tight Jared hug.

 

He didn’t go home.

 

He drove straight to Jensen’s

 

Jensen opened the door, quite obviously woken from napping, his eyes heavy with sleep, a soft smile on his face

 

“Megan insisted I went home, but I wanted to come here.” Jensen didn’t say anything, just pulled him inside shutting the door behind him and pulling him into a kiss, his hands tightening on Jared’s strong arms.

 

“Are we doing the whole hall sex thing again?” Jensen smirked, kissing and biting his way up Jared’s neck, moving his hands up into Jared’s hair and pulling him down for another kiss.

 

“Nah” Jared said into his lover’s open mouth.

 

“Nah?” Jensen questioned

 

“Nah, I wanna take this to the bedroom and make love properly, all kinda slow and together”

 

“Slow” Jensen repeated

 

”Yeah”

 

”And together” 

 

”Yeah”

 

”Now?”

 

”Now”

 

“I can do that”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen snagged the wine and two glasses as he followed Jared up the stairs and into the bathroom, watching as Jared leant over and put in the plug, filling the bath with hot water and a splash of shower gel.

 

“You’d be surprised” Jared second-guessed what Jensen was going to say, kneeling down and swirling the water around to create bubbles

 

“Surprised at what”

 

”At how we can both fit in here, it’s a big bath” Jensen still looked doubtful, but filling the glasses with the deep ruby wine he handed one to Jared and slid down the wall to lean back against the bath next to him, sipping at the wine and feeling it’s warmth curl into him.

 

“How was Lee?” he asked softly as Jared leaned into him sighing.

 

”Quiet, a bit subdued, but progress is good, Jeff is pleased…” Jared's voice tailed off

 

“Thass’good Jay.” 

 

Jared looked over into the bath and reached in to turn off taps. “I’m just so damn tired at the moment” he groaned, pushing himself up and round, starting to pull off clothes and dropping them to the floor as Jensen watched, handing him the wine and climbing in.

 

“Nice view” Jensen commented as he stood to watch Jared settle himself in the hot water, hearing him sigh as he sunk lower under the bubbles. The sigh went straight to Jensen’s heart.

 

“C’mon Jen, climb in” Jared looked up with his puppy eyes on full beam and Jensen just smiled, putting both wines on the side and starting to strip. He paused; looking doubtfully into the bath, he really wasn’t sure this bath was built for two men, especially when one was as big as Jared. Jared reached up and grasped Jensen’s hand, manhandling him round to climb in and settle back between Jared’s spread legs. The water was hot, the feel of Jared’s body hard behind him.

 

“This feels kinda wrong.” Jensen said relaxing back against his lover.

 

“Yeah? How so?”

 

”I should be the one looking after you” Jensen’s voice was a bit choked, and Jared closed his arms around him, interlacing his fingers against Jensen’s chest.

 

“Just by being here you look after me.” They lay there together for a while, just cuddling and touching.

 

“Are you finding this all kinda scary?” Jensen asked 

 

“What exactly?” Jared laughed “There isn’t much in my life I’m not finding scary at the moment”

 

“Us. Do you find us scary, this whole thing, is it too quick for you?”

 

”No, that is the one thing I can truthfully say to you, this is not too quick” and then Jared chuckled and Jensen turned with a smile on his face.

 

“Too slow then?” the older man said, angling his head for a kiss, which Jared gratefully accepted, damp lips meeting in open-mouthed touches and hot breath mingling. 

 

“Kinda” he whispered, his hands dropping down over Jensen’s chest to rest on sharp boned thighs and then further down, fully enclosing Jensen’s hardening dick in his large hands. Jensen arched momentarily and then relaxed further into the hot water, his breath hitching, pushing back against Jared’s groin with a wicked wiggle that made Jared hold him harder, twisting his hands up and around the older man’s dick, causing Jensen to moan. 

 

He took one of his hands and smoothed it up over Jensen’s flat belly stopping on his chest and pulling and worrying at a nipple the kisses between them becoming less coordinated and more raw. Jensen’s neck tensed at the awkward position of the kiss and Jared reluctantly released him to drop a hot tongue and sharp teeth, tracing a pattern at the base of Jensen’s neck. 

 

It was all Jensen could do to focus on the pinpoints of pleasure, a hard hand on his dick, sliding and turning and insistent, the pulling and pinching on his nipple and the sharp sucking bites on his neck. 

 

He couldn’t stop the words that left his mouth, couldn’t stop the pleas for Jared to never stop, to move harder, to push, to take him over the edge, he moved slightly, leaning his head forward revealing more of his neck to Jared, whimpering at the small bites, the pleasure pain so close he couldn’t tell where one finished and the other started.

 

“Jared” he breathed, so close, his own hands scrambling for purchase against the slick sides of the bath, unable to hold on, his whole weight supported against Jared, losing all semblance of control.

 

Jared heard the desperate hitch in Jensen’s voice, didn’t know him well enough as a lover to know if that meant stop or for fucks sake get on with it. So he chose the latter, biting and marking, harder, sucking red possession into his lovers neck, twisting his hands, applying more pressure, until with a cry Jensen lost it, arching, hot and wet over Jared’s fist, relaxing back, twitching, mewling cries lost in his throat.

 

“Wha …” was all he could manage to say, his head full of Jared what the fuck, why me, I’m supposed to be looking after you, Jesus Jared, I have never felt anything like you, have never wanted something so much in my life “…Jay”.

 

“I have never had something so beautiful in my arms” Jared said softly against marked skin, “So fucking sexy … I seriously think we need to move this to the bedroom Jen”

 

“I can’t” Jensen whimpered, “I can’t move Jay” Jared smirked dropping a heated kiss at the top of Jensen’s spine.

 

“OK Jen, we can stay here, but I really, really wanna kiss you from your toes to your head, to blow you, to own you, and then I would really, really, like to bury myself inside you and make you come all over again without using my hands, I wanna watch you fall apart on me, around me…”

 

It seemed impossible, but Jeez, Jensen felt himself getting hard again, like he hadn’t just experienced the most intense orgasm of his life “I’m moving” he breathed softly and with Jared’s help he scrambled out of the bath, water sloshing over the sides, turning back and grabbing Jared by the hand, almost pulling the taller man from the bath in his haste to move this to the next level. Jared just laughed at the older man’s eagerness and pulled him in for a heated kiss, their wet bodies hot and sliding, hard against each other. Silently they moved apart, and Jensen guided the younger man into the bedroom, falling back onto the large bed and scooting up bringing Jared with him. 

 

Everything was so lazy, so quiet, exchanging heated kisses, Jensen’s hands finding Jared’s pleasure points as unerringly accurate as Jared had found his. Breathing words of passion and want and need into Jared’s hazel skin, Jensen was leaving a trail of small open mouthed kisses from the hardness of a thigh to the thinly stretched skin against his fluttering pulse. Jared pulled Jensen up, settling him between spread legs and taking his open mouth in the most intensely erotic kiss Jensen had ever experienced, Jared’s tongue mimicking the final act, fucking into his mouth, Jensen pulled into the sensation until he no longer knew which way was up. 

 

He wrapped hands into Jared’s long hair, burying deep into the silky lengths, wondering how he had ever spent any part of his life without this man in his arms. Jared tried to roll so he was on top but Jensen refused to let him, leaving that hot fuck wet kiss and travelling back down his hard chest, pausing at each nipple, biting and sucking, pulling each into his mouth. 

 

He moved down muscled planes, the stretch of skin over a taut stomach, biting and sucking across and down to hip bones that just begged to be marked and nibbling with hot lips and sharp nips into the sensitive skin, focusing on each point as Jared cried out above him. He kissed lower, missing Jared’s hard dick, running gentle hands across it, testing his lover’s limits.

 

“Jen, Jen, Jen” a litany of his name, said with breathless need, pushed Jensen. It made him feel twenty feet tall, that he could reduce this strong proud man to an incoherent twisting mass of need on the bed, and he swallowed him down, no preliminaries, no licking or kissing, just setting a pace as a frantic Jared fucked up into his mouth.

 

Jared could see, could see himself moving deep and rhythmic into Jensen's soft mouth, his lover’s lips stretched around him, swallowing him down, his green eyes hidden behind closed lids. His hands twisted back against the headboard, holding tight, stopping himself from just holding Jensen's head and just fucking into his mouth.

 

It didn’t take long, how could it? 

 

The bath, Jensen pliant and malleable in his hands, the licking, and the biting and the sucking, and he was gone, barely able to warn Jensen it overwhelmed him so fast, Jensen not moving, sucking and swallowing until the very pressure of his lover’s mouth was too much and he pulled Jensen back up for a heated kiss, tasting himself, tasting Jensen and the heat. 

 

It was too much ... it was not enough.

 

“I need you to open me up” Jensen whispered low in Jared’s ear, moving to swallow the whine that came from Jared’s mouth, pulling back, “Open me up, use your fingers, make me feel it”

 

“Jeez fuck Jensen, you just blow my mind." He managed to squeeze out past erratic breathing, watching as the older man reached into the draw in the bedside table and pulling out a bottle and condoms, placing them in Jared’s hand and leaning back away and laying to the side.

 

“Now, Jay,” he added firmly.

 

Jared muttered something under his breath; something that sounded suspiciously like pushy bottoms and Jensen smirked

 

“Too damn right, I haven’t got all night” he smirked, breathing in as Jared’s slicked cold hands touched him and caused him to arch off of the bed. “Jay, it’s been a really long time,” he murmured, in apology for arching away from his lover’s touch.

 

“Are you OK?” Jared whispered, his hand moving, dropping reassuring kisses against Jensen’s soft kiss swollen lips.

 

“Yeah, don’t stop.” Jensen closed his eyes, his body reflexively tensing, knowing it kinda had to hurt before it got wonderful. Jared felt his lover tense, looked up at the desperate look of concentration on Jensen’s face and dropping his head down to take his lover's hardening dick into his mouth, swirling his tongue and kissing and feeling Jensen relax muscle by muscle, his finger there, slicked and touching and crooking and searching. 

 

He felt Jensen pushing down, moved in a second finger, all the time swallowing him down tasting salty pre come thick against his tongue, moving opening him up, hearing a waterfall of begging from above him, Jensen arching up into his mouth and then pushing down onto his fingers, opening himself up for a third, Jared scissoring fingers, feeling the muscle relax. 

 

He twisted his fingers, found the bundle of nerves guaranteed to make Jensen fly, and gently massaged, listening as Jensen’s voice turned from pleading to repeating his name over and over like a prayer.

 

“Now Jay, now, Jay I need…”

 

Jared stopped the sucking, kept moving his fingers and looked up at Jensen, seeing his lover’s eyes wide, his pupils blown ... just ... so much desperation and need on his face, raw, visceral.

 

“What Jen, what do you need?” Jared wanted to know… needed to hear the words,

 

“Inside, I need you inside” Jensen breathed, his voice low and gravely. Determined, Jared moved himself up on his knees, his lips inches from Jensen’s, tight breaths exchanged, eyes locked.

 

“If we do this Jen, you gotta know that I am never letting you go” he said softly, commandingly, and then paused, moving gently forward, feeling his way, Jensen’s legs were spread apart, up and the inside of his knees resting on Jared’s strong arms, his hips canted. 

 

Jensen just nodded, a small smile on his face, and then he shut his eyes as Jared pushed slowly inside, welcoming the burn, knowing the pleasure that was to come.

 

It took a while to push fully in, each move accompanied by kisses and murmured promises, until at last he was there and it was all Jensen could do to lay flat on the bed, he felt so full, his warmth surrounding Jared’s hardness, his own dick hard and trapped between their two bodies.

 

“Move, Jay … move” Jensen demanded, sliding himself back and pushing forward. Jared chuckled at the desperate movement and Jensen just mewled in protest at the lack of movement and Jared’s dark chuckle. Strongly Jared pushed forward, anchoring himself against his lover, the energy between them was mind blowing as Jensen climbed higher and higher, the friction on him taking him so close but not far enough ... and then Jared angled, and pressed and found the sweet spot and Jensen couldn’t stop the white out behind his eyes even if he tried, coming again, hot and wet and tight between them, the squeeze of his muscles enough to send Jared hurtling towards his own orgasm. He lifted Jensen against him, once, twice and then a third time, driving himself into the tightness that was his loose-limbed lover and then he too tumbled over the edge, falling onto Jensen and rolling to one side.

 

“nkgodto” Jensen murmured to no one in particular.

 

“Wha?” Jared replied a little more coherent, but not much.

 

“Thank god you’re a top, you giant manhandling streak of … whatever …” and then Jensen laughed, honest to god laughed, and pretty soon Jared was laughing with him, neither of them exactly sure why, but both rolling into each other nonetheless, hugging and kissing and smiling stupid grins, the real world a long way away, just for a few more minutes.


	7. Chapter 7

Chris had to drag a protesting Steve from the car. It wasn't that Steve didn't want to do bodily harm at the person who had dragged Jensen through the press it was just that he couldn't really understand Chris's plan.

 

"Explain to me again how hiring a hooker is gonna help Jensen"

 

"Steve, you need to trust me"

 

"Do we even know he is here dude?"

"He is, I had Mike trailing him"

"Mike? The cop that ... " Steve's voice tailed off, memories of an ex of Chris's violently burnt into his retinas after an unfortunate bedroom sharing incident.

 

"Yeah, and he says, every night, the guy is here, picking up girls, despite the good wife at home"

 

"And hiring the hooker to pull him does what? Embarrasses him? How is that gonna help Jen?"

 

Chris smirked, reaching in his pocket and pulling out the smallest camera that Steve had ever seen.

 

"Photos Steve, photos"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The bar was sleazy and dirty and so totally the type of places that Steve hated. Gigs they had done in places like this before they hit the big time had, through no fault of their own, ended up in fistfights. With the end result inevitably being lost fees, payments for damages or overnight cell stays, sometimes a combination of all three. 

 

The crowd was always tense, always with an air of desperation about them, looking for scraps, wanting trouble, as if their night out was incomplete without beating up on the visiting band. Kane had had it’s share of followers who, totally dedicated, would be at every gig, friends, people who weren’t shy to use fists and chairs and in one instance a jukebox, to defend Kane’s honour. Steve would shake his head, Chris would be in their, like a terrier dog, latching on to ringleaders and bringing them down.

 

And then there were the prostitutes, working the crowd, latching on to the violence, adding to the available vices on a no tell basis, pulling in enough on those band nights to cover a few days off to heal from the things they did with men high on the adrenalin and the beer.

Andrea was one of those prostitutes … well had been, until Jensen and Chris had pulled her from a room where five men were having a party, laid out the five men, most with their trousers round their ankles, and then proceeded to drive her to the ER. 

 

Steve had been sceptical at first, wondering how long it would be until she screwed his friends over and ran, taking anything of any value with her. He had been proven wrong. She idolised Chris and Jensen, loved them in a very quirky but largely unobvious way, knew they were gay, didn’t push a physical relationship and actually did what Chris and Jensen had said. She stayed with the band for a while, got benefits, went to night school, got a job in a coffee shop on campus, made it right. She had a head for figures and she used it to do the book keeping for Kane, and Jensen’s business and other bands that she had come into contact with. She still loved Chris, she loved Jensen, she loved Kane as a whole.

 

When Steve realised who was standing at the bar the bottom fell from his stomach. Through the clothes, through the thick make up and the scraped back hair he saw her.

 

“That’s not a whore Chris, that’s Andrea”

 

“I know man”

 

”What the fuck?”

 

”Her idea man, her idea, just go with it”

 

“No Chris, this is insane, how can she…”

 

”Like I said, her idea, we just need to make sure we …two beers” Steve looked to the bartender, passing over notes for beer and followed Chris to the dark corner where he assumed they were watching from. He saw Andrea, curved around a tall thin man, talking into his ear, her left hand tracing patterns on his sleeve.

 

“What is she - ”

 

“Shhhh, watch, she’s reeling him in”

 

“Chris- ”

 

“Shhh, seriously” 

 

The couple moved, walking round the bar the opposite end to where the two men sat and disappeared through a back door. 

Chris looked at his watch “Five minutes” he said confidently

 

“Five” Steve looked horrified, already standing waiting to run after her.

 

”Five”

 

”No” he went to move but Chris stopped him.

 

“She has it under control, five minutes”

 

It was the longest five minutes of Steve’s life; he liked Andrea, had seen what she had gone through to get away from that life, he wasn’t happy about this at all and he told Chris so in no uncertain terms.

 

“I can’t believe you are letting her do this man, this is like the biggest insult to her that - ”

 

“It was her idea Steve; you know she feels about Jensen”

 

”What? And you used that - ”

 

“She phoned me, with a rare temper I’ve not seen in her ever, she wanted to kill the guy who had pulled Jensen into this. Doing it this way with her … at least the guy stays alive … cos I wanted to kill him”

 

“Jeez Christian … is it five minutes yet?

 

Chris checked his watch, shook it as if he was checking it was working, and then grinned at Steve, the bastard. “Let’s go”

 

The sight that they beheld when the door opened would have looked like some cheesy bdsm porn shoot, Andrea draped across the man tied to the bed, if it weren’t for the fact that this was a damn serious business. Chris snapped photos of the semi-naked woman and the fully naked man whilst Steve just looked aghast and, kind of at a loose end, stood in the open door. Andrea played her part well, ducking her head behind a curtain of hair and scrabbling to find her jacket, pulling it on and running from the room, looking for all viewers like a suddenly discovered mistress and no more.

 

The man on the bed looked white, still tied down and visibly wilted.

 

Steve pulled the door shut, the three men alone in the room

 

“Ernest Abraham Wilson, consider yourself papped”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared woke sometime in the night feeling not quite right and knowing instinctively that he had to test his sugar, he felt thirsty and uncomfortable in his own skin and with a feeling of dread he thought back and couldn’t for the life of him remember if he had had his night insulin or his quick acting insulin. Obviously the rather impressively physical sex had kept it down but yet again he had fucked up his sugar around Jensen. The guy was just gonna give up on him if Jay didn’t get his head around a change of routine at someone else’s house, useless.

 

“Jared you OK?” Jared turned, Jensen stood behind him, adorably tousled and heavy lidded, sleep creases on his face, wrapped in the sheet from the bed.

 

“I’m sorry” was all Jared could say, as he dialled the pen and injected his slow release insulin and then switched pens and injected his rapid effect insulin.

 

“Sorry for what Jay? Are you OK?”

 

“Sorry, I fucked up my sugar again, it’s just I have a routine but last night I kinda - ”

 

“You have nothing to apologise for Jay, these things happen”

 

”They shouldn’t happen, what would you do if you woke up and I was fitting and or unconscious, all because I forgot … forgot … my fucking insulin … the thing that keeps me alive … what am I … stupid?”

 

Jensen frowned, there was a sadness on Jared he hadn’t seen before.

 

“Jay, this is all so new, so intense, your head is so full of other things, Lisa and Lee, us, it’s all too much.” He moved closer, wrapping the sheet around Jared’s naked body as well, pressing close, “Why don’t you cut yourself some slack eh?”

 

“I wish I could, but sometimes this thing …”

 

”Diabetes?”

 

“Yeah, sometimes … I mean … like us … this feels like something … and you need to know how…” Jared’s voice tailed off, he felt muddle headed and very tired, couldn’t quite put the words together to explain the fear he felt that Jensen would up and leave if Jared appeared anything less than whole.

 

“Jared, do you need to eat” Jensen still didn’t have a proper handle on what high and low sugars meant but he was going to learn, that he had promised himself. 

 

Jared sighed, “No, I’m cool, sugar’s high, m’tired” Jensen pulled Jared in for a tight squeeze before releasing him and taking his hand.

 

“Bed” Jensen said softly “We have the meeting with the specialists for Lee at 2, let’s get some sleep”

 

”We?” Jared mumbled against warm skin as he cuddled down into Jensen and covers.

 

“Huh?”

 

”You said we have a meeting”

 

Jensen hesitated, maybe he was assuming too much ”I’d like to come” he said softly “Hold your hand, help keep you grounded if I can.” 

 

They lay in silence, breathing in unison, Jared’s head tucked under Jensen’s chin.

 

“Jen” Jay murmured softly

 

“Uh huh?” Jensen replied on the edges of sleep

 

“We. I like we. We is good”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

 

The people in the room all looked at Jared as he walked in, all looked kind of shocked, blank, one smiled, another looked close to tears, Jared didn’t know what to react to first. He felt Jensen’s reassuring hand on his back and used that strength to push him forward.

 

“Jared”

 

”What has happened”

 

”Amazing news, Lee is reacting really well to the drugs Jared, we have had the most recent tests and he is responding so well.”

 

Jared visibly relaxed, the tension in his shoulder lessening, but he couldn’t say anything, didn’t know what to say, surely he needed to ask questions, needed more information … something.

 

“In general” started someone else “we would be saying this to you with caution, but I think Lee’s chances for pulling through this are well up to 80% now”

 

“I…” was all Jared could get out. 

 

His mom and Jeff threw themselves into it, asking questions, Jared just listened, clutching Jensen’s hand so tight the freckled skin was white. 

 

“When can I take him home” Jared asked softly, he had had enough medical crap to last a lifetime, he only had one question he wanted answered. No one heard over the to and fro of percentages and terms and results, no one except Jensen who looked up at him concern on his face.

 

“When can I take him home” he repeated a little louder. Still no response, no one was listening. Can someone listen to me?

 

“WHEN can I take him home?” He raised his voice and Jensen looked at the group as one by one they stopped talking and looked at Jared. “He’s never been outside a hospital, when can I take him home?”

 

No one said a word. 

 

Everyone looking expectantly at each other.

 

The lead surgeon coughed, his bit was done.

 

The psychologist frowned, she could certainly support the family but actually signing off on Lee going home … not her.

 

The two lead care nurses smiled in sympathy and support but sent prayers up that it wasn’t their call.

 

That left the doctor. Who wanted so badly to say Lee could go soon, but he knew he couldn’t. Lee was more than a patient to him, Jared was more than a concerned father, they were friends.

 

“Jared, I want to say he can go home now, but I cant. Lee is still so fragile, and he needs to stay here for a while longer”

 

“How long”

 

“I don’t know. The results we have …” he waved a sheaf of papers in front of him “…they are really good, positive … Lee is a fighter … and he is responding well to the drugs regime.”

 

“Will he …” Jared stopped, swallowed, looked at his mom, his brother, his dad, Megan, Jensen, they all looked at him reassuringly “ …will he be home by Christmas?”

 

The doctor looked relieved at the question, this was one he could try to answer. “Given the way he is responding I have every hope Lee will be at home for Christmas.”

 

Home

 

By Christmas

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared attacked his Santone work with renewed vigour, enjoying the physical release, his dancing spot on, his singing improving with each practise.

 

His time with Jensen for singing lessons inevitably merged into their evenings and Jared had never felt the level of peace that he did with Jensen.

 

They talked.

 

Jensen admitted he was frosty with Jared at the start because he had a huge boy band crush on him.

 

Jared admitted he quite liked Kane.

 

They talked about Lee. They talked about Lisa. Jensen wanted to know about the wedding and Jared told him everything he remembered … which wasn’t a lot considering how drunk he was. 

 

It had been two days since the meeting at the hospital. Two days where Jared had visited Lisa and told her the news. Two days where he had held his son and promised a Christmas at home.

 

And now he was here with Jensen. Practising his breathing, short inhalation, longer exhalation, and the words leaving him were clear and clean and fit the song. He knew he would have to move on to the songs he would sing with Santone, the girly pop that made them famous in their own backyards, but for the time being singing Coldplay and listening as Jensen joined in with the counterpoints, he was damn proud of himself.

 

“So I’m thinking…” Jensen said softly as the song ended and their eyes held an unbreakable gaze “… we should set up a place … for singers and dancers … and run it together”. He said it so simply, like it had just occurred to him and the thought just needed to be released there and then. And then he blushed as Jared smiled that warm accepting smile that made his eyes sparkle.

 

“So I’m thinking…” Jared replied, cupping Jensen’s face with his broad hands, feeling the heat in his lover’s cheeks and blinking slowly, losing himself in the jade of thoughtful eyes “…that that is a very good idea”. He leaned forward, capturing soft lips with his own and flicking his tongue into his lover’s mouth, tasting coffee and Jensen. 

 

They stood. Jensen leaning back against the piano, grasping strong arms and pulling Jared closer, moving hands up and winding them into his long hair, holding him in for the kiss, mouths opening and tongues rubbing and touching and so, so, hot.

Jared pulled back, dropping kisses to his lover’s neck. “Have you ever made love on this piano?” he murmured into Jensen’s ear.

 

“Nuh” which was Jensen’s barely coherent reply.

 

“Consider it crossed off your list” Jared smiled into hot freckled skin, before lifting Jensen up against the piano keys, the discordant notes echoing in the room, and starting to explore.

 

It was only kissing, but it was hot, frantic, fast, impatient, wet, open-mouthed kissing that covered every inch of available skin. Kissing with bites and sucking and scorching promises of just what they wanted to do to each other. Jensen was impatient, hard to bursting at the strength in his lover that meant he could hold Jensen so secure and steady.

 

“I need … I can’t … Jen” and then Jared lost any control, lost direction, just knowing he wanted to taste every inch, ripping at material, pushing down pants, and taking Jensen whole … down in one go … no finesse … no licking … just hard strong pulls, his hands digging into Jensen’s thighs, sure of leaving bruises, listening to a litany of words spilling from Jensen, words with the same urgency as Jared forced out in harsh breaths

 

“Jay” was all Jensen could say as he spilled into Jared’s mouth, the blinding whiteness of orgasm wringing his body dry. 

 

Jared couldn’t understand the passion; the power that was inside him, as pushing down the front of his own pants he palmed himself to completion against his own hand in less than ten seconds flat. 

 

The love that pushed him to touch Jensen, lowering him gently to the floor, lying down next to him, was overwhelming.

 

“Jen … you OK?”

 

“I have a long list” was all Jensen could reply.

 

A very long list

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The supposed retraction was kind of pathetic in size and it appeared on page 5, but the headline was enough to make Chris smile.

 

Journalist quits over defamatory remarks against boy band member.

 

In fact it took him a long time to stop laughing, which was making Steve nervous. 

 

“What?” he asked the laughing man, looking genuinely confused and wondering what he had said that was so funny. He only remembered saying hello, surely it wasn’t that funny?

 

”Look” Chris placed the newspaper on the kitchen table, smoothing down the edges and placing his hands to frame the article. Steve read, his facial expressions alternating between a frown and a wry smile.

 

“He quit”, he finally said, looking into Chris’s piercing blue eyes and exchanging a grin.

 

“He quit.”

 

”Nice one Christian”


	8. Chapter 8

Laying curled up in bed together, Jared wasn’t quite sure how to broach the subject of his wife with Jensen; he wanted too, but he got the feeling Jensen was reluctant. Jensen, Will you come with me for the next visit, I want her to meet you. Hmmm. Being that she is unconscious would Jensen actually get what he was trying to say.? Jensen, I swear she can hear what I say and I’d like to introduce you to her. Again, that probably sounded a bit freaky.

 

”What is going on in that head of yours?” Jensen asked, smiling up at Jared and the sucking lemons expression on his face.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“What you thinking about”

 

”Nothing”

 

”Jared”

 

“OK, I’m going to see Lisa this morning”, carefully Jared looked into Jensen’s eyes but he didn’t see hostility or jealousy. “Will you come with me?”

 

”Sure”

 

”’Cos I really think she can hear me and it would be good for her to …” hang on a sec “Sure?” Jared repeated, kind of dumbfounded that he didn’t need to justify the request.

 

“Yeah, I’ve done some reading, I want to visit, learn what you do”. Jensen pushed his face into his young lover’s neck, inhaling the warmth of quilt wrapped skin.

 

“OK.” Jared was floored. Totally floored. Was there anything Jensen could do wrong.

 

“She’s unconscious you know”

 

”Yeah” Jensen’s voice was muffled and sleepy

 

”And I’ll be there at least two hours”

 

”Uh huh”

 

“And she’s ill, you know she has lost a lot of weight and she - ”

 

“Jared”

 

”Yeah”

 

”Stop justifying the reason for me to visit. I want to. She is part of you, Lee’s mom, I want to meet her, to see her, to help you with the therapy if I can”

 

”Yeah?” Jared voice held a tone of wondering amazement and he held on to Jensen even tighter if that was at all possible, as if the grip could show Jensen how much this meant to him. Jensen gave a muffled groan and Jared relaxed his hold, with a whispered apology.

 

“Shhhhh … sleeping … ” Jensen replied softly.

 

Jared tried to relax into the bed, waiting for sleep to pull him back, but he realised he was just as content to lay back with Jensen in his arms contemplating life and wondering just where this was all leading.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Jared” smiled the nurse who was manning reception as they entered the home, and Jared returned the smile.

 

“Hi Ana, how is she today”

 

”Good, very good, the doctor is in with her now” He signed himself and Jensen in. Jensen who stood confidently next to him, all pressed jeans and tidy shirt, his dark blonde hair spiked, his face smooth of stubble I want to make the right impression he had told Jared before dropping a small kiss on his head and moving off to polish his shoes.

 

“Ana, this is my … my friend … Jensen Ackles, can I get him added to the list of visitors?”

 

“No worries, I’ll leave the paperwork here. I’m pleased to meet you Mr Ackles” Anan extended her hand and Jensen shook it firmly. Jared watched Jensen’s eyes, exuding warmth and trust, his friend … Jensen wasn’t just his friend.

 

”He’s my boyfriend…” he blurted out, shocking himself. Jensen looked at him, but Jared couldn’t return the look.

 

“Then I am doubly pleased to meet you Mr Ackles”

 

”Jensen”

 

“Jensen then. It has been a long time since Jared has bought someone here” 

 

Unspoken, he has been alone too long.

 

They left reception and moved down the corridor to the room. Jensen watched as Jared touched the name Lisa Padalecki on the door and then knocking gently opened it to reveal a doctor sitting in the chair next to Lisa’s bed.

 

“Doctor James” Jared acknowledged softly

 

“Jared, hello” the doctor looked curiously at the man standing behind Jared.

 

“This is Jensen, he’s here to meet Lisa”

 

“Wonderful, she can never have enough visitors”

 

“How is she today?”

 

”Good, her brain activity has shown a marked increase over the last two days, I am hopeful she is becoming aware”

 

“OK” That is good news, very good news. 

 

The doctor stood, gathering up files and papers. “Right Lisa, I am going to leave you now in the capable hands of these two young men” The doctor said as he held Lisa’s hand in his “It was good to talk to you, I will see you later today”. He smiled at Jared and Jensen and then shut the door behind him.

 

Jared crossed to the bed picking up her hand and massaging it softly in his large hands, he swallowed, tears pricking at the back of his eyes. He didn’t normally cry, he saved that for Lee, but today, bringing Jensen here, was a momentous occasion. “I’ve brought a friend to see you today Leese, I know I haven’t done it before but this is kind of a special friend to me … this is Jensen”

 

“Hey Lisa” Jensen said firmly, moving to the other side of the bed and lifting her hand from the pristine white sheets. “It is really good to finally meet you. Jared has introduced me to little Lee, and god, is he a scrappy fighter or what? I think you can hear me Lisa, and Jared has said I should tell you some stuff about myself, and what I think of Lee ... I don’t know where to start…” Jensen’s voice tailed off and he looked helplessly at Jared for a few seconds. Should he say he is Jared’s partner, his lover, the one supporting him through Lee’s operation? 

 

“Hey Leese, Jensen is my boyfriend babe, now if you opened your eyes you could see him, but as you wont I’m gonna say ... if only he wasn’t gay he would be soooo your type. Like, jeez, six one, slim, built, dark blonde hair and the most amazing green eyes that can see through your soul. And both our favourites, a really really tight ass”

 

”Jared” Jensen squirmed, this wasn’t how he saw this going. He expected soberness and seriousness, not joking and smiling, but he guessed that really that was what Lisa needed, wherever she was.

 

“And he is at this moment the brightest shade of red ever” Jared added smirking at Jensen.

 

“So Lisa” Jensen began in retaliation “does Jared ever tell you about his appalling singing, and how it is only my intervention that will save the ears of the whole of Dallas on Christmas Eve?”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When they left it was with a feeling of positive emotion, Jared swore he saw Lisa’s eyelashes flutter, he swore blind that he had seen the ghost of a smile in her. Jensen didn’t disagree, he hoped there had been both and trusted that Jared knew his wife better than he did.

 

A different woman was on reception, a severe older women, one with the label of Manager on her sweater.

 

“Mr Padalecki” She said formerly, looking between Jared and Jensen with a mildly disapproving expression on her face.

 

“Mrs Rice” Jared returned, signing himself and Jensen out, signing the papers that Anna had left to add Jensen to the list of visitors, and taking the envelope from her hand that she held in front of her. 

 

She nodded. 

 

Jared nodded. 

 

Jensen swore he could feel ice emanating from her and shivered himself.

 

He mentioned this to Jared on the way out. “Ice woman or what”

 

“Rice?” Jared said, and when Jensen nodded he just smiled wryly. "She runs the place, I think she’s kinda waiting for my money to run out so that she can keep an eye on me, in case I blockade Lisa into the bedroom so they cant move her” He went to climb in to car, unaware of just how much he had revealed in that one sentence, but Jensen stopped him, a firm hand on his arm.

 

”Will it Jared? Will it run out?”

 

Jared looked a bit uncertain for a minute, not sure of what Jensen was asking. “Run out?” he asked blankly.

 

”Will your money run out?” Jensen asked gently, massaging his hand on Jared’s arm Jared’s eyes flicked sideways, what to say … the truth … 

 

“One day it will, but I have the reunion and … y’know I’m getting paid good money for that … and she’ll wake up soon …” he stopped. Looking into Jensen’s soulful eyes, “she will, and it’ll be fine”

 

“Don’t you have like any insurance”

 

”I did, with the record company, but y’know, no contract, no insurance, and anyway it didn’t really cover some of what we need for Lisa or for Lee’s treatment … so I kinda take what I can when I can and it’s been OK so far”

 

”OK.” Was all Jensen said, and Jared silently thanked him for not pushing it, even as he clutched the latest bill notice in his hand and worried about how much more money was disappearing from the account.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It seemed like after the positive meeting everything went down hill for Jared in Jensen’s eyes. 

 

They spent the rest of the day at home, practicing the singing; the envelope and bill was the elephant in the room no one was mentioning, but Jared was tense. Jensen could see it in the set of his shoulders, the rapid erratic breathing that was so wrong for the singing, the worry lines that wrinkled his brow, and the darkness that had settled in his hazel eyes. It wasn’t Jared to be worrying like this and Jensen really wished he hadn’t opened his mouth earlier about the whole money thing.

 

There was one thing guaranteed to bring Jared round … food …

 

“Pizza? Sandwiches?” Jensen suggested, watching his lover pace from one side of the studio to the other, practicing his breathing.

 

“Nah, not hungry”

 

”Jared, you need to eat -”

 

“I said, I’m not hungry, my sugar is high, I need to let it come down.” He sounded impatient, and Jensen didn’t want that to continue, he needed to let go of this stress but not into an argument for gods sake.

 

“Spit it out Jared. Talk to me. I’m sorry I brought it up”

 

“No Jen, s’not you. It’s just sometimes, so many things to juggle, so much to think about, so much to worry about all the time.” Jensen could see his lover starting to unravel from the seams, watching him pull frustrated hands through his long hair. Watching the play of emotions on his face and tensing imperceptibly as suddenly Jared stopped pacing and crossed to him, gripping Jensen’s arms and pulling him in for a rough kiss, the taste of desperation in him.

 

Then just as suddenly he pulled back, again his hands in his hair, like even touching Jensen wasn’t going to help. All restless energy and sparks of frustration, until Jensen decided he knew what Jared needed … to forget.

 

Gently Jensen ran his hands under Jared’s T-shirt and on to his flat stomach, pushing the shirt up and over his head until it bunched around the back of the taller man’s neck. Jared looked almost sad and apologetic, like he was convinced he wasn’t going to rise to the occasion whatever Jensen did. And then Jensen moved. Pulling the T-shirt down to twist into Jared’s arms and in the same action pushed him back into the leather studio chair straddling him and pressing into him. This was normally Jared. Jared who pushed and pulled and insisted. It was normally Jared who worried and worked and demanded a response from Jensen, this time Jensen was determined it would be different.

 

Jared couldn't move, his shirt twisted behind him where Jensen had pushed it down his arms and the weight of his lover against his chest forcing him down into the chair. He tried to sit up but for his pains Jensen just pushed him down with a growl, using a hand to force Jared's head back opening Jared's long neck for marking. He started at the base of the neck, whispering heated words against Jared’s hazel skin, tasting the pulse, sucking hard, a bloom of red that he licked gently, tonguing the area, writing messages of need against his new lover. 

 

He trailed upwards, sidetracking momentarily to capture Jared's protests in his mouth, teeth biting at Jared's lower lip, and open mouthed sucks, breathing into him ....

 

Jensen was satisfied to feel Jared hard under him, his pupils blown, his muscles tense and shaking, but still the younger man was fighting, trying to push Jensen off, trying to reassert some kind of dominance and Jensen was having none of it.

 

“No Jared” he demanded, biting down hard on corded neck muscles. “Just you lay still, this is for you, no worrying, no carrying, no … damn … thinking …” Jared just whimpered at the pain of the bite, feeling the emotions of overwhelming need build inside him. Feeling helpless and totally at the mercy of a toppy Jensen. This was new, this was scary, this was possibly the biggest turn on of his entire life, to give himself over totally, to not think, to not plan, just to feel. 

 

Jensen’s fingers concentrated on nipples, pulling and twisting and pushing hard against them, sending sparks of electricity to his already hard dick, and he heard himself whimper, beg, plead.

 

“No Jay, not yet” he twisted harder, Jared arching into him, and he moved the painful then gentle kisses and bites back down his neck, swooping in to capture Jared’s lips, grinding down against him, one hand slipping down, between them, pulling aside sweats, his hand touching oh so briefly, before disappearing, ignoring the begging pleas in Jared’s throaty voice. The slick was in his jeans, and it took some doing to pull it out past the tight fit against his own hard dick, and then he used it, on Jared, slicked him up, swallowing moans and barely captured breath from his lover’s mouth. He pulled off, stood in front of Jared, placing a flat hand on his bare chest.

 

“Don’t move” he ordered staring directly into Jared’s hazel eyes, daring him to move, daring him not to move. Jared stared back at him, blinking, but not moving.

 

Unbuttoning jeans and dropping them and his boxers, Jensen watched as Jared’s hard and swollen dick twitched against his flat stomach. 

 

Jensen knew he was probably still loose and relaxed from this morning’s energetic bout of sex, but he wasn’t stopping to open himself more at this point, not wanting to lose this primal control over Jared. Slipping his shirt over his head he sat back across Jared’s legs, using hands to position Jared and guiding him to slide home in one burning, uncomfortable, powerful, push.

 

”Fuck Jen” Jared breathed, knowing this must be hurting Jen, so dry, and watching for the pain in his lovers face, the stuttering hips that would indicate hurting, seeing only a brief grimace that changed to pleasure as he started to move, angling his movement for his own pleasure and finding the bundle of nerves almost immediately.

 

Jared didn’t think, he just reacted, moving, snapping up, moving in, and down as Jensen pushed against him, one of his lover’s free hands concentrating on Jared’s swollen sensitive nipples and the other wrapped around himself, moving to his own rhythm, a look of bliss on Jensen’s face. Jared strained to kiss, wanted to wrap his arms around his lover and Jensen leaned forward, kissing brutally, tongues duelling, Jensen not backing down. 

 

Jensen was going to take him higher, there was no need to think, no need to worry, Jensen was going to take him so damn high, and he didn’t need …

 

Neither of them said anything, they exchanged open kisses and bites, the frantic rocking taking Jared so close. He could feel Jensen stutter, feel the rhythm lose it’s way, see the muscles in Jensen’s body tense, knew the older man was close, and seeing this gorgeous man, his eyes shut, ecstasy etched onto his face, lose it hot and wet over him, just pushed Jared over the edge and he fucked up into Jensen one last time, near screaming his name and falling back to earth tears squeezing from tightly shut eyes, riding the waves of orgasm inside Jensen.

 

“I love you” Jensen murmured against the sweat of Jared’s skin, “I’m here and I love you” and he kissed away Jared’s tears as he watched this strong brave man, who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, finally give in to some of the grief that was in his blood, in his very soul. Jensen pulled at the shirt releasing Jared’s hands, wrapping them round him, and settling in for a hug, letting the tears wash over them both.

 

It felt good. 

 

For a while it felt good.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen held on tight; curling into Jared, mindless of the mess between them, just not wanting to let go. Jared had finally stopped crying, had subsided into needy gasping breaths, and then finally to a peaceful quiet that Jensen refused to break with inane chatter.

 

He wasn’t sure what had caused this particular meltdown, but assumed money had some part of it. It could have been the final straw. 

 

Lisa was becoming more aware, Lee was in hospital on a knife-edge between safe and in danger, Jared’s responsibilities to the Santone tour were complicated and draining, the whole reporter business, his diabetes and the control problems … Jensen had been waiting for this breakdown for a while now. 

 

When he looked back he counted they had been together for four weeks, physically intimate for most of that time, and in all that time it had been Jared who looked after Jensen. Maybe he was just hardwired that way, the one who always took charge, the one who helped everyone else. It was Jensen’s job to get Jared to see that it didn’t need to be this way; that Jensen could be there for him too, be it physically or by being there just in support.

 

“Jensen…” Jared’s voice was scratchy, “I need to move” he said. Jensen heard a definite smile in his lover’s voice and opened tired eyes to look down at him from his position, snuggled on Jared’s lap. “I kinda need to check my sugar and then we really need a shower man”

 

“Uh huh, sugar, shower, OK.” Still he couldn’t move and he heard Jared snigger in his ear. “I’m moving, I’m moving” he groused, pulling himself out of the Jared-cocoon with a reluctant sigh and then a barely contained ewwww at the sticky mess between them. “Shower… shower is good” he added, kissing Jared quickly and climbing to his feet, pulling the younger man with him, pleased to see just how boneless Jared still seemed ... relaxed even.

 

He watched as Jared tested his sugar, and felt his heart swell at the look of intense concentration on his lover’s face, his lower lip caught between his teeth, learning as Jared dialled the pen and injected the life saving insulin, fascinated as the needle moved into his bruised flesh, and then moved out.

 

“I’ll order pizza before the shower” Jared said softly, picking up the phone and ordering the same pizzas they always ordered. Jensen just watched, so in awe of just how coherent Jared was at the moment, how his medical needs came to the front of his mind, before everything else just for a few minutes. “What?” Jensen heard him say, what did he mean? What? “What you staring at freak?” he added laughing at the fact that Jensen didn’t say a thing, just took his hand and led him upstairs for a shower. 

 

For the first time in a long time Jared felt calm and at some sort of peace. His problems were still there, almost insurmountable mountains on the horizon but for a small time, for however long Jensen was in his life, Jared knew he would be sharing the problems and that felt good.

 

Jensen started the shower and climbed into it, pulling Jared after him and closing the door. There was nothing sexual between them, Jensen took care of him, soaping and caressing and cleaning, shampooing and rinsing his long hair, massaging his scalp, he felt totally relaxed and at peace. Jensen ran those same confident hands over his own body and finally, both of them clean and soap free, he turned off the water, and led Jared out into the heated bathroom wrapping his long body in a towel and then drying off his lover’s long hair as much as he could. Jared just let him, soft and pliant and relaxed, wishing he didn’t have to eat at that point, part of him desperate to explore this dominant and caring side of Jensen at leisure. He made a mental note.

 

They actually dressed for the pizza and ate in comfortable silence in front of the TV watching a documentary on polar bears, both too lazy to get the control to turn channels over. Finished they dumped everything in the kitchen and without discussion put on boots and jackets for their visit to Lee. 

 

Jared didn’t say he was going, he didn’t ask Jensen to come. 

 

Jensen didn’t say he was going, he didn’t ask if t was OK to come with.

 

It was just natural and normal and real.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

There was a small huddle of doctors around the bed when they arrived at Lee’s room and Jensen could feel the tension immediately slide back into Jared.

 

“What’s wrong” Jared said urgently and as one, the group of professionals turned at his question, it was a nurse that finally answered his question.

 

“Nothing Mr Padalecki, just normal rounds, but I think the doctor wants to talk to you”

 

Jared nodded and waited as the crowd of murmuring hospital staff dispersed, getting his first look at Lee. Lee sitting up in bed with a smile on his face

 

“Daddy” his son said, holding thin arms up for a cuddle, Jared moved immediately to pull Lee in for a cuddle.

 

“Hey baby” he said softly, kissing his son, blown away as Lee scrambled up on his knees, clutching at his daddy’s T-shirt. There was nothing to him, so tiny, so fragile, but finally Jared could see his little boy emerging from the death of wires and tubes and he so desperately tried not to cry.

 

“Jared, we think he’ll be OK to go home tomorrow”

 

“Really?” Oh my god “Lee did you hear that, you can come home with Daddy”

 

”How many nights Daddy”

 

”One sweetheart, just one” he twisted his body to lean back against the headboard, grinning broadly as his son bounced excitedly against him, arms flailing, Jared dropping kisses on every available piece of skin, laughing and smiling, looking up at Jensen and feeling a warmth build inside him.

 

“The psychologist will want to speak to you tomorrow before you leave here” the doctor added, smiling indulgently at the results of a real success story.

 

“Thank you doctor”

 

“And I’ll brief you tomorrow on the drugs regime …” He had kind of given up on telling Jared as he was focused entirely on his son, instead turning to Jensen and addressing him, “I’ll need to book Lee in for follow ups also, so it may be wise to bring in a diary or something so we can organise that.”

 

”OK” Jensen nodded, shaking the doctor by the hand enthusiastically, looking back at the giggling boy and the laughing man on the bed and feeling as if the sun was shining into every dark corner in the room. 

 

This was good.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

They stopped at the canteen for lunch. It was late and Jared needed to eat and they sat opposite each other digging into a concoction that had been optimistically labelled as lasagne but tasted more like tomato and cardboard. Jared was uncharacteristically quiet; he had been since they had left a sleepy Lee tucked into bed with Jared’s mom sat next to him knitting.

 

”Why so quiet?” Jensen asked gently, prodding at the pasta and grimacing at the hard slimy texture wondering how Jared could eat this stuff even though he guessed he didn’t really have a choice. 

 

Jared had explained about complex carbohydrates and sugar levels and the difference between fast acting insulin and slow acting insulin, and the hypos and hypers and Jensen had finally started to get the gist of it. He had practised the whole emergency glucogen injection thing, and had started to spot the warning signs. With Jared he decided it was easy to tell if he was hypo, if his sugar was low, because he just kind of went quiet. Like now. Hence the question.

 

“Just thinking about my apartment, y'know planning and stuff.”

 

”Does Lee have a … I mean have you got a room … or room … for him?”

 

“Yeah, it has two beds, on the second floor, it’s nice, it’s clean. The only thing is I was kinda planning to …”

 

”To what?”

 

”Well to move back with mom and dad for while”

 

“Why Jared?”

 

”’cos … theapartmentisupforsale”. Jared said, shrugging his shoulder. Well that dropped like a stone in the conversation. Why was he selling the apartment? For the money, Jensen assumed.

 

“Oh”

 

“So I just need to organise with mom … he can have my old room … I’ll … god Jensen he is coming home … I can’t think”

 

“Jay, look I don’t want to step on any toes man, I mean you might have decided that your mom’s is the best place for you and Lee but … you know I have four bedrooms … and a yard … and I would love for you to come live at mine for a while … just until you get sorted, I mean one of the rooms is already like blue, we could buy blinds and quilt covers and …” or decide to stay with me, please say you’ll stay. Jensen’s voice tailed off, Jared was silent, those changeable hazel eyes open wide, his mouth slack in … in what … shock?

 

“You want me and Lee to move in with you?

 

“You sound shocked? I love you, I want a relationship with you, I want to be with you and Lee, I have a big house, I inherited it, I don’t owe a cent on it, it’s permanent, stable ... we don’t have to be in the same room if that helps … I don’t know what else to say”

 

“I am shocked that you would willingly …” Jared’s voice tailed off, he wasnt really sure what he trying to say. His head told him it was too soon, that it would leave their relationship vulnerable; his heart was screaming yes yes yes yes yes.

 

“Jared … please consider it”

 

”I don’t have to, I think it is a wonderful idea” He smiled, Jensen relaxed and smiled back. Jared stood suddenly, fairly bristling with excitement. “Blinds you say? Come on then” and without a backward glance he started to leave, almost jogging back to Lee’s room, desperate to tell him mom. Jensen followed, a similar excitement coursing through him, catching the tail end of a conversation

 

“… I’ll be back in a while, I’m staying here tonight” Jared finished with a grin and a hug for his shell-shocked mother.

 

“OK, your dad will be here in a bit” she offered, looking back at Jensen as he entered the room, a smile on her face, but Jensen thought he could see both wariness and hope on her face.

 

“C’mon Jen, shopping” and Jared bounced out of the room, Jensen following at a more sedate rate, feeling sure that the smile on his own face was akin to that of an indulgent parent taking a child to a fun fair.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The cart was laden with all the things a two year old boy could wish for. Apart from the blackout blinds and a lampshade there was also a Spiderman quilt, rug and other accessories, cuddly toys, games, a small television, and books … so many books.

 

They drove back to Jensen’s, and Jared urged the older man upstairs to what would be Lee’s room, depositing bags onto the sturdy bed in the corner. Jared crossed to the window; the room was at the back of the house, overlooking what Jensen has described as a yard but was in actual fact a sprawling landscape of grass and bushes and trees. They didn’t say anything, just opened boxes and bags and set about making the bedroom right for Lee. 

 

Jensen hunted for a drill and screwdrivers to put up blinds, Jared arranged books on a shelf interspersed with the soft toys, standing back and admiring the casual tumbling mess of heaven that would be Lee's. The quilt cover was on, the pillows plumped and fresh, the new sheets crisp on the bed. They had bought a play tent and Jared popped it into the corner, filling it with primary coloured cushions for a den. Jensen finished the blinds and then they stood back to look. Jared was determined not to cry, the excitement bubbling inside him as he counted down the minutes, but that didn’t stop Jensen pulling him into a tight hug of reassurance. This was going to be good.

 

They left the room and Jensen stopped. To his left was his room … what he wanted was for it to be their room, but he didn’t want to push. To the right was another of the spare rooms, empty apart from a bed.

 

“This can be your room if you want it” he said softly, indicating the empty room.

 

“Nah, Jen, it would be too lonely, I want to be with you, not just today, but for the long run. I love you and I want to make this real for us and for Lee” Jared pulled him in for a hug, holding the shorter man tight and Jensen reciprocated, his throat tight with tears.

 

“This will be home …” was all Jensen could say “… our home. For the three of us”


	9. Chapter 9

It was kind of a confusing morning. The doctors came into see him, smiled a lot, explained he would be going home, talked to his daddy, who also smiled a lot and then he got hugs from just about everyone. Daddy helped him to get dressed, in old soft tracksuit bottoms and a Spurs T-shirt exactly the same as what his daddy was wearing. When daddy said it was time to go it was all he could do to clamber up and feel himself cocooned in his daddy’s arms, his face hidden in his neck, daddy’s long hair tickling at his nose.

 

Nana P was there too, her hand rubbing soothing circles on his back but granddad P and Aunty Meg were going to visit him at his house later. He knew Uncle Jeff was here because he had seen him earlier talking to the doctors. He knew it was special. 

 

He cried when the door of the room closed behind him, all of his friends waving goodbye and smiling and crying at him and if were at all possible he would be hiding inside his daddy’s shirt right now because it was all too noisy and too sad.

 

Daddy didn’t cry, he just pulled him into his neck, saying soft things, talking nice, promising adventure.

 

The doors to the hospital were big and shiny and he could see his face in then through the cracks of the hands hiding his face, there was lots of him, all of his faces in all of the different windows, and the smells of people, of food and the taste of air and sun were big and scary. 

 

He was really really scared about what was outside. 

 

He had been into the gardens; daddy had carried him out there lots of times. He hadn’t been allowed to get down, so he really didn’t know what grass felt like, but he knew it was soft, because daddy had said so.

 

His favourite time when daddy was with him in hospital was when they looked at the pictures in the books, of animals and al the other places where they lived, and daddy explained all about dogs and cats and stuff. He had seen cartoons with dogs and cats and mice in and they seemed fun. 

 

He didn’t want to worry daddy but the lions in the book… the way that daddy did their noise… looked kind of scary and noisy and he was just a bit worried that not even his daddy could keep them away

 

Daddy stopped, rubbing his back, explaining that the place outside the hospital was very big and that he was really only a very small boy, but it was ok because daddy was really big and could protect him... even lions? ... even lions, his daddy said, pulling him in to a tight cuddle which kinda hurt his tummy but made him feel OK at the same time.

 

He hadn’t been in a car before, but daddy had explained that where they were living was away from the hospital, it was warm, and not noisy this house, daddy had promised and Jensen was going to be there too. 

 

Not Nanna P and granddad or Aunty Megan or Uncle Jeff though.

 

Or any doctors, or nurses. 

 

The car that his daddy sat him in was quiet, and warm too. It went kind of fast, like on a bed on the way to have his body mended, the same dizzy feeling as they twisted and turned, just like the time that nurse twizzled him round too fast as they went in a lift. His stomach started to hurt again, but when he told daddy, his daddy just smiled and talked about dogs and cats and blue sky and Christmas and it kinda made him feel OK again. 

 

The car stopped and he pulled on the straps holding him into the car seat, daddy had said it was important to have them but they really hurt him and didn’t make him feel safe like daddy said they would. Daddy helped him out and in an instant he had scrambled up him and was holding tight. This is the house, daddy said softly and he looked up to see what his daddy was talking about. It was sooooo big, bigger than his room, bigger than two of his room, bigger than lots of his rooms. 

 

Jensen was there at the door. 

 

The door was open. Jensen was smiling but was he trying to stop them from getting in the house, he was in the way. He was uncertain and said so to daddy. Daddy said something quietly to Jensen, and Jensen moved and then they were inside the house and the door was shut.

 

From one closed door on a room to another. 

 

Just a bigger room.

 

Jensen asked him if he was ok. He was ok. His tummy was still sore, but ice cream would help it, daddy said so. Jensen looked worried, but he went and got the ice cream and handed a bowl to daddy with two spoons. 

 

He sat with his daddy, his little boy’s body curled onto his daddy’s lap on the big chair, Jensen sat opposite and he though Jensen might be crying but he couldn’t be sure. 

 

Is Jensen crying, is he sad? No he isn’t crying because he is a sad, he is crying because he is happy.

 

Ice cream was followed by a nap, this was OK, this happened in his old room, naps, naps happened, but he couldn’t see a bed anywhere, he said so, daddy told him he had his own room with his own bed, he was confused, was it like another hospital?

 

Daddy took him up some stairs and at the top he opened another door, a door with the word Lee on it, at least daddy said it said Lee and he was sure he had seen the shapes before and was happy to believe what he was told. Inside his room, there was a lot of blue and some toys, and lots of books, the same books as in hospital, and there was a train, and some cars, and Spiderman, everywhere. 

 

Daddy put him on the bed; pulling off clothes and dressing him in spidey pyjamas, blue ones that were soft and comfy. He snuggled down into his new bed. It was different, it didn’t have metal and it was warm straight away and it was his and it didn’t have shapes on that meant people knew his name.

 

Daddy sat next to him, stroking his head, it was a nice feeling, it stopped him from wanting to cry, he turned into his dad’s legs, clutching tightly to the bear he had chosen from the pile of cuddlies. He promised the black dog that it was his turn next.

 

He was asleep so fast, the warmth of his daddy not too far away, the teddy soft and secure.

 

The house was asleep with him, it would be here when he woke up

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Is he OK?” Jensen asked from the doorway in a very soft voice. Jared nodded. They had been warned by the child psychologist about what to look for. It was going to be really hard for such a small child to encounter the noise and chaos of the world for the first time.

 

“He’s fine. He’s asleep”

 

“I see he chose the teddy bear”, Jensen smiled softly, crossing to the bed and sitting next to Jared, capturing his lovers hand in a comforting grip.

 

“Yeah, it was a difficult choice though, he was torn between the bear and the dog”.

 

“He is really overwhelmed by it all isn’t he”. Jensen pointed out, sadness colouring his voice. Jared just smiled grimly, nodding his head and stroking his son’s head.

 

“Poor little man” Jared said softly, “It’s a hell of a world to be introduced too”.

 

“Are you gonna stay here with him while he sleeps?” Jensen asked curiously and Jared looked up at his lover apologetically. Not a brilliant way to start a relationship...

 

“Just today Jen”

 

”Jay, it doesn’t matter if it is every time he sleeps that finds you watching him, being there for him, that is what daddies do”. Jared looked relieved, and Jensen was pleased he had somehow said the right thing.

 

“Thanks man” Jared said softly.

 

“Coffee?”

 

”God yes” there was a hint of caffeine deprived urgency in Jared’s voice and Jensen kind of fell in love with him all over again.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When he woke up it was to find daddy still in the same place, his eyes shut his breathing gentle and steady. His daddy was warm and cosy and he was ideally placed for a snuggly cuddle and Lee climbed out of his quilt cocoon, dragging the teddy with him and climbing on to his daddy, who’s eyes flickered open, a deep smile on his face.

 

“Hey little man” his daddy said

 

“Hello” he said back to his daddy burying his face in a warm neck, inhaling a smell that was so not hospitals but was the outdoors and daddy.

 

“You hungry?” his daddy asked and he nodded into his neck, he wasn’t sure if it was time for dinner and wondered how the hospital was going to get food here, would it be on a tray, would it taste nice?

 

Daddy scooped him up, swinging him around in a wide circle, capturing small boy giggles into his neck. “Jensen’s done pizza”

 

“Pizza” his favourite and his daddy’s favourite.

 

“Uh huh, let’s go see”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The smell of melted cheese and cooking dough permeated the kitchen as Jared wondered in, a wide-eyed Lee pressed tight against him; so tight he was leaving red marks against Jared’s neck.

 

“Hey Lee”. Jensen said, lifting pizza out of the oven and cutting it into slices, placing it and juice on the kitchen table. Lee didn’t say anything.

 

“Say hi to Jensen little man” Jared prompted gently

 

“Hi Doctor Jensen” Lee said quietly, letting his dad place him a kitchen chair and sitting down next to him.

 

“He’s not a doctor Lee, he’s my friend, your friend”

 

“Like Sam from the next room in hospital?” 

 

“Yeah just like that”

 

“Does Jensen like playing dogs and trains too”

 

”Why don’t you ask him” Lee looked up at Jensen, then down again, hiding his eyes behind chestnut hair so like Jared’s.

 

Jensen saw the shy look and decided to help the little guy out “I love playing dogs and trains Lee, maybe after lunch we could do that. Now, you want me to cut your pizza up?” Jensen asked, looking at Jared for approval of the suggestion.

 

“Please doc- Jensen”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen seemed nice. If he was daddy’s friend then he must be nice.

 

Daddy said that Jensen would be looking after him as well. He was OK with that, as long as he could see daddy was there too.

 

After lunch they sat on the sofa watching Tom and Jerry and eating chips.

 

Daddy was hugging him on his lap, and hugging Jensen as well next to him.

 

Wow, did daddy have a lot of hugs or what.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Christmas Eve show, T minus 10 days

 

Lee had been home a week now. Jared still slept next to him, but ever so slowly Lee had become less and less clingy, and this morning had proven to be the biggest test.

 

Jared had finally given in to the need for a snugly cuddle in with a very sleepy Jensen in the main bedroom, guessing Lee would sleep for at least another few hours. He missed Jensen so much, just the holding and the support and the warmth of being held and loved. Jensen was so very warm, wrapped in the quilt but he shifted slightly to allow his lover space, still in the depths of sleep. Jared cuddled in, spooning from behind, soaking in the warmth of Jensen’s freckled skin … it felt so good. He only wanted ten minutes, but a week of broken sleep and stress was enough to drag him into sleep.

 

And that is when it happened.

 

“Daddy” a small voice that was hardwired to his brain, pulling him from the depth of sleep.

 

“Jared” a quiet whisper from Jensen, following by a push on his arm

 

“Daddy” that same small voice again, not upset, more curious

 

“Jared” more insistent and then peace. Jared knew he should open his eyes, but before he could, Jensen’s voice again. “Hey Lee, wanna come in for a cuddle?” And then a small body climbing over Jensen, giggling and pushing in between him and Jared and then silence again.

 

“Daddy” again Lee’s voice and Jared cracked open an eye, looking into the mischievous eyes of his son.

 

”Morning baby” he said softly, “did you wonder where I was?”

 

”No, you sleep here” he said smiling and wrapping one small hands around Jared’s neck and the other around Jensen’s arm. “I love you”, he whispered.

 

“I love you too baby” Jared breathed in baby soft smells and stroked his son’s hair, smiling at Jensen over Lee’s head, looking at the alarm clock and seeing it was only half five. “Think you can have a bit more sleep”

 

“Mmmm” and within minutes Lee was asleep, Jared and Jensen whispering over him, hands clasped on the pillow above Lee’s head.

 

“This is a good sign Jay”.

 

”I know, the fact that he didn’t freak 'cos I wasn’t there… that is so good”.

 

“We need to talk seriously” Jensen said softly.

 

”What about?” Jared looked a little worried at what Jensen was going to say.

 

“Lee’s Christmas present, Christmas is like next week" Jensen urged.

 

“The whole of it, the whole of Christmas, I’ve been so focused on Lee coming home and the show. We can’t take him out man, the crowds, it’d be too much too soon… next year… next year we’ll do the whole tree-hunting thing. So this year, we’ll bring Christmas here, yeah? We’ll get my mom over, go out get what we need to make it good”.

 

“It’s our first Christmas, all three of us together”. Jensen said softly, squeezing Jared’s fingers, “this is so damn cool you know”

 

“I know”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Christmas Eve show, T minus 8 days

 

The rehearsals should be getting easier, but if anything the more of a team they became the more they pushed each other with the dance moves and Jared finished today’s rehearsal on the knife edge of exhaustion. A good kind of exhaustion, but exhaustion nonetheless.

 

“How is Lee getting on?” Ian asked as Jared and him lay back on the floor gasping for breath and slick with sweat, throwing back water as if their lives depended on it.

 

Jared smiled, that goofy daddy smile that the boys of Santone thought was very cute, “He’s cool, settling in, doing some of the stuff a normal two year old would do, causing mischief, climbing, into everything, good stuff”

 

“That is cool man, y’know I was saying to Meg that you were in an apartment and she said anytime you wanna come over with Lee and spend time in the garden, y’know ya can…” Ian’s voice tailed off in embarrassment, Jared felt a warmth suffuse him, a welcome, a cared for suggestion.

 

“Actually I’m not at the apartment any more, I’ve sold the apartment”.

 

“Sold it? Why?” Jared shrugged at the question, he was uncertain about revealing his financial difficulties to his friends. “Jeez man, where are you living? With your mom?”

 

“I’m kinda living with Jensen”, there, it was out in the open. Ian rolled over, thumping Jared on the arm.

 

“Fair play man, I like him, I like him a lot”.

 

Jared blushed, it was weird how much Ian’s words affected him, how much his approval meant.

 

“Thanks, it’s cool, he loves Lee, he’s good for me”

 

“Like I said, I like the man” 

 

This quiet exchange of thoughts was making an unreal feeling about what Jared should or shouldn’t say and he blurted the next thing out without really thinking, not knowing how much he was going to regret it, but knowing he had to share it with his old friend.

 

“I had to sell the apartment man, I needed the money”. 

 

Ian didn’t say anything at first, just looked at him, eyebrows raised, “For Lisa and Lee, for their care?”

 

“Yeah, I mean, everything I do… I just need to cover it, and the apartment was all mine, so it is money I can release”.

 

“How many more assets do you have man?”

 

“That was the last one really, the last lump sum, it should keep me clear until the Summer I think”.

 

“Can I, can we … can I help at all?”

 

”Nah, I’m cool, Lee is at home, his care needs have gone down, and Lisa is showing signs of waking up”

 

“What if when she wakes up … she’s…” His voice tailed off, brain damaged, in need of 24 hour care?

 

“Crossing bridges Ian, that is what I have gotten good at, dealing with problems when they happen, I can’t worry about it all the time in advance, I’d be a basket case”.

 

“Still, Jay, if I can help, I invested a lot of my Santone money - ”

 

“I’m fine man, fine, just don’t go telling everyone eh? The reunion is a good move for me, maybe get me back out there somehow”.

 

“Well you know where I am Jay”, Ian punched him on the arm, the biggest sign of affection that he could give. Jared winced as his muscles tightened in defence.

 

“This dancing is killing me man”

 

“Yeah, me too, we are so not getting any younger” Ian replied laughing.

 

“Speak for yourself, we’re not all 30”

 

“Ass”

 

“Good comeback”


	10. Chapter 10

Christmas Eve show, T minus 4 days

 

“Has he gone down OK?” Jensen asked, peering over his glasses, a book in his lap.

 

”Yeah, he didn’t want me to stay at all, said he was a big boy”, Jared answered, a slight trace of sadness in his voice. It was inevitable this day would come, the day that Lee didn’t want Jared stroking his head till he fell asleep, it was the day they were aiming for. Still it had to be difficult for Jay and Jensen’s heart flip flopped in his chest.

 

“Before you know it he’ll be sneaking girls in”, he suggested, trying to lighten the mood a little

 

“Or boys”, Jared smirked a flicker of his normal humour on his face.

 

“Come here Jay” Jensen put the book down, taking of his glasses and placing them on the book.

 

Jared crossed to the sofa, immediately curling up on his side, his head in Jensen’s lap, almost purring as Jensen stroked long fingers through his hair. This was their favourite evening position, sometimes with music, sometimes TV, but always together, chatting about the day, about Lee, about the reunion. 

 

Jensen had heard something today from Chris that he wanted to share with Jared, not sure how he was feeling about the news himself and certainly not sure how Jared was going to take it.

 

“Chris came over today when you were at practise”, he started softly enough, waiting for Jared to acknowledge his voice.

 

”Yeah?” Jared and Chris still weren’t totally comfortable in each other’s company. In fact it was only today that Chris had said he felt Jared was taking advantage by moving in and that Jensen should really be careful, and did Jared know how much Jen was worth.

 

Jensen quickly jumped to his lover’s defence. No Jared wasn’t aware of how much Jensen was worth… no Jared was not taking advantage. Chris had pushed the point, playing devils advocate, and it ended up with Jensen snapping that the reason they had moved in so fast was that Jared had huge medical bills to cover and that he had sold his apartment to cover them. Because Jared was here to stay, as was Lee, and could Chris please get over it, because Jensen didn’t want his best friend and his lover fighting. 

 

He then drew a deep breath and regretted what he had revealed. He had broken Jared’s trust by revealing the extent of the debt Jared was incurring. As a gleam came into Chris’s eye Jensen knew he had focused on one thing, confirmed when the next words out of Chris included the words benefit reunion and fund raising and Jensen realised he was totally screwed. 

 

Chris had railroaded Jensen yet again

 

Really not good. He watched in horror as Chris left, this was so not good. The words to call him back, to stop him from embarrassing Jared lost in his mouth.

 

Which is why the stroking of Jared’s hair was stilted and nervous, and the words were dry in his mouth. Jared was intensely private about Lee and Lisa. He hadn’t once used his former notoriety for anything to do with either his wife or his child and the words benefit and charity were so not going to work.

 

“Chris had this idea, and he made me promise to tell you”

 

”Uh huh”

 

”He wants to change the reunion gig to a benefit gig”, Jensen sighed as Jared turned in his lap to look up at him.

 

“A benefit. Good idea. What charity, does he need Santone to sign off on it?” Jared’s voice was so relaxed, so sleepy, so perfect, Jensen wanted to stop right there.

 

“He kinda wants to raise money for the medical bills … for your medical bills”. Silence. It was worse than Jared actually saying anything. “Jared… talk to me” 

 

Slowly Jared raised his head off of Jensen’s lap, and sat up, pushing himself into the far corner of the sofa, away from Jensen’s reach, blinking steadily, his face impassive. Still he didn’t speak.

 

“Jay, I’m sorry, he pushed me, wanted to know why you’re living here…” Shit, wrong thing to say.

 

“Where did he hear about the medical bills Jen? You I suppose”. Jared responded deceptively calm.

 

”Jay”

 

“I thought I was living here as your partner, not as a charity case. I thought this was my home now, mine and Lee’s home, with you, the three of us”

 

“Jay it is” Jensen hated the note of pleading in his voice.

 

“So why did you need to defend my being in here to Chris? Why not say just that”

 

“I was confused, he wouldn’t leave me alone, he was implying you moved in because you were after my money, I have like this trust fund, Chris knows, I put him right, I told him you sold your apartment and that you had money and…”

 

“That you generously offered me a place to stay? What? Did you feel sorry for me? Because I needed charity?”

 

“Jay, you know - ”

 

“Jensen, I don’t actually know anything here, let me get this straight, stop me if I leave anything out… you told Chris I had sold my apartment to do what… pay medical bills… leaving me and Lee homeless and in the position of needing charity from the benevolent Jensen Ackles and his fucking trust fund.”

 

”No, it wasn’t like that Jared, Chris was worried you - ”

 

“And telling him I owe money is a good way of defending me isn’t it. I trusted you by telling you about all of that, no one else knows how hard it has been, it was a secret between lovers, not something to be thrown out in an argument to some random guy.”

 

“Shit Jay, this is all coming out wrong. I told him I loved you, he got past the whole trust fund thing, he then just kinda focused on the medical stuff.”

 

Jared stood up, his body tense, long fingers twisted into his hair, his face a picture of hurt. “Why would you let him even think of turning Lee and Lisa into charity cases Jensen, I can look after my own wife and child, I don’t need your or anyone else’s charity”

 

“Jay…”

 

“No Jen, grow a pair, stand up to your idiot of a friend and for fucks sake make up your mind over what you want, who you want to defend, who you want to commit to, friend or lover.”

 

“Jay - ”

 

“Do you know how scared I feel at the moment, how vulnerable. You obviously can’t do. I have Lee now, and I need for us to feel safe, that is all, and Chris constantly pushing at you and trying to dictate what you think or feel, it just makes me feel… unsafe”.

 

“I want you Jared, you and Lee, here with me”.

 

“Well you have a shit way of showing it, Jen, I’m going to sit with Lee”.

 

”But Lee doesn’t want - ”.

 

“It’s where I need to be” Jared turned to the hall and the stairs, but he at least turned when Jensen called his name.

 

“I’m sorry Jay, I’m sorry if you think I betrayed your trust… jeez... no. I know I screwed up. I know I did betray your trust. Please don’t leave, stay here, Lee needs here”.

 

“What he needs Jensen is family, I thought you were family, I hate it that you proved me wrong”. He started up the stairs, and Jensen froze until the fear in him pushed words from his heart.

 

“Don’t go Jay, you can be safe here with me… please don’t leave me”. Jensen didn’t even bother to hide the tears in him, but Jared didn’t stop this time, getting to the top of the stairs and turning left for Lee’s room.

 

Jensen sunk defeated to the sofa, the peace and quiet of a few minutes earlier shattered, why didn’t he just stand up to Chris and his fucking crazy ideas. He had compromised what Jared had told him in confidence, a lover’s confidence and the highest trust you could bestow on another.

 

He stood up again, pacing.

 

Jared was right, Jensen wanted to make Jared and Lee feel safe and protected and to be able to trust him. 

 

There was only one way to start that process.

 

Grabbing his keys and his cell and shrugging on a jacket he left the house, now was the time to get started.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Lee was sleeping, long dark lashes fanning over pale skin, small huffy breaths reassuring Jared he was peaceful and calm. He stood for a long time just watching, breathing in the same air as his peaceful son.

 

He knew he was over reacting. 

 

But to have Lee’s life and Lisa’s exposed like that, people feeling sorry for them, making Lee a pity figure, when he was the bravest child Jared had ever met, dragging up Lisa’s drug taking past, smearing her name and thereby Lee's name.

 

It was all too much. 

 

He had only just opened his heart to Jensen, let him in, felt happy, cherished, loved, and he was now just so damned sad.

 

But it wasn’t something he would leave Jensen over. They just needed to make it right. 

 

And now was as good a time as any. Storming off didn’t help anything, damn it, he was 26 not six.

 

He moved to open Lee’s door, even as he heard the front door shut. He called Jensen’s name, but in his heart he knew Jensen wasn’t there to hear it.

 

He sighed, sliding down the wall outside Lee’s room, banging his head back against the wall and closing his eyes.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“What” Chris opened his door, disheveled and tired

 

”Exactly. What” Jensen countered irritably.

 

“Uh?”

 

“Let me in”

 

”M’ok, whats up?”

 

”No benefit, no charity, it stops now”

 

“Er…”

 

”I’m serious Chris, Jared doesn’t want it, I should never have told you, so it stops”

 

“I haven’t - ”

 

“You had better not have taken this further”

 

“No, no I - ”

 

“And I knew Jared wouldn’t have wanted it but yet again I let you railroad me into stuff I don’t want to do”

 

“Jensen I - ”

 

“I never wanted to let Jared down and you let me. No... I let myself”

 

“Can you at least let me - ”

 

“Just enough with the taking over Jensen’s life and trying to sort him out”

 

“OK”

 

“I don’t need you to go off half cocked to … OK?”

 

“Yeah OK”

 

“Oh”

 

“You obviously know what you want, and jeez Jensen I never thought I’d see the day, I kinda got used to pushing you along, making decisions for you, looking after you”

 

“I do… you did?”

 

“Yeah, whatever Matt did, however he worked you over, it kinda made you seem dependent”

 

“I was, Chris, you pulled me out of that and I will always be grateful, but I kinda think…”

 

“Think that maybe you have your life back now? That I can stop worrying and getting involved”

 

”Yeah”

 

“Cool”

 

“OK”

 

“So talk to me, tell me what is going on”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared sat for a long time just watching the clock, dread starting to build inside him. It was past midnight and still no Jensen. What if he had been in an accident? What if he wasn’t coming home? What if he didn’t want to talk? Jared hadn’t meant half of what he said, most of it coming from hurt and his inability to depend on anyone else, his reluctance to let anyone else help him. But at the root of it he knew he didn’t want Lee dragged out as some sort of poster kid, he wanted him safe and happy, that was all.

 

He had tried ringing once, but then his fear overtook him, what if he phoned and Jensen was driving, and then he had an accident?

 

Jared stood up. He was so used to loss and worry that he didn’t see there was any other way to think and it manifested itself tonight in an inability to sit still, anxiety rippling up his spine, his stomach in knots.

 

It was nearly one on the morning when he heard the front door and a rather disheveled Jensen walked in the door. Jared didn’t even wait, neither did Jensen, they just stalked toward each other, grabbing into a tight never letting you go hug.

 

They both started talking at once.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to jump on you like that”.

 

“I’m sorry, I should have stood up to Chris”.

 

The they stood back from each other, “You first” Jensen said softly.

 

”I am sorry Jensen, I over reacted, I am sure the idea of a charity benefit is a brilliant idea, but I don’t want it, I can’t do that to Lee, or to Lisa, so I hope we can sort this 'cos nothing anyone says will change my mind” He looked uncertain even as Jensen cupped the younger man’s face in his hand and kissed him gently.

 

“I agree, I don’t want to expose Lee to anything like that, I would never even consider it. I’m just used to Chris like, moving my life along, and I didn’t even stop to consider that I am capable of standing on my own two feet and choosing a path for what I believe in”

 

“So we agree, no benefit” Jared asked hesitantly.

 

”God no” Jensen was adamant.

 

”OK, so we’re good?” Again, so much hesitation in his lover’s voice, Jensen hated to hear it.

 

”God yes”. He said fervently, still not moving his hands, losing himself in the changing hazel of Jared’s eyes.

 

“Do you… I mean… where have you been… all this time? I was worried” Jared blushed “I was worried I’d sent you out into a car crash or chased you out for ever” He spoke with such heartfelt honesty that Jensen’s heart ached with apology.

 

“I was with Chris, I had stuff to say, stuff to discuss, to tell him”

 

“OK” Jared refused to let this news hurt him, to think he had sent his lover out to the acceptance of his best friend was cutting and raw. His voice must have sounded a little sad, because Jensen immediately jumped in.

 

“No, Jay, I went to see him, to talk about Matt”

 

“Matt?”

 

“An ex, kind of a controlling ex. When our relationship finally ended it was because I ended up in hospital”.

 

“Jen”.

 

“No, let me get this out, I didn’t see it, he was my first real relationship, older, confident, in charge, a total top, but one with physical domination issues that I didn’t even recognise for what they were. So I kinda let it happen, and bit by bit I lost any self esteem, he kept me away from friends, took away that grounding of normal. It was Chris that came to the hospital, it was Chris who dragged me back and I guess I exchanged one controlling man for another. Not that Chris was motivated by anything other than worry and care, don’t get me wrong. But in the end I just let Chris look after me, because it was easier that way. Can you understand that?”

 

”What happened to Matt?”

 

”I didn’t press charges if that is what you mean. I just wanted to get on with my life and Chris and Steve dealt with him, I didn’t ask, last I heard he moved to Florida, I haven’t seen or spoken to him since”

 

“OK”

 

“So, can we just pretend tonight ever happened?

 

“No, we can’t do that, but we can see it was possibly the best thing to happen to us and thank it for happening”

 

“Really”

 

“Yes. Bed?”

 

”Bed”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A bit later, balls deep in Jensen, slick and tight, Jared was still worried, he wasn't this Matt person, but what about the fact that...

 

“So is it a problem that I am kind of a top Jen? Will it cause a problem in our relationship? Cos I… I mean I’m just as happy to - ”

 

“Shut up and move”

 

“Move”

 

“Move”

 

“Pushy bottom”

 

”Get used to it”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The phone call came at half four in the morning and pulled Jared from his shallow sleep, blindly he reached over Jensen who was dead to the world, and answered the phone with a bleary hello. He listened. Lee. Jen you need to wake up, I need to go… say it, spit it out, wake up Jensen

 

“Jen”. Jared said, shaking his lover’s arm until he got some semblance of consciousness. “Jen, she’s woken up”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

He touched her name on the door, the same habit, for luck, that he had started the first day he visited, blown away by seeing the name Padalecki on the door. He hesitated, reaching for the handle, the doctors words in his head, uncertain, warning. She is conscious … but she is not coherent … her temperature is high, we think she is fighting an infection, her lungs seem congested … pneumonia … I’ve sent bloods down for analysis … we have started her on a course of meds … she seems to be giving up … can you talk to her.

 

He pushed the door open, blinking back the tears, wondering what he was going to find. She looked peaceful, pale and golden against the white sheets, her blue eyes, Lee’s eyes, clear and open. She didn’t move to acknowledge Jared was there, but as he crossed to lean over her she blinked and her eyes moved.

 

”Hey Leese” Jared offered quietly, holding her hand and pushing blonde hair back from her face, her skin was burning, her eyes feverish. 

 

“Do you know me Leese?” He watched as she moved her lips, no sounds, but the shape of his name hanging in the air. “It is so good to see you awake babe”, he offered, sitting down on the side of her bed, tightening his hold on her hand, which lay limp and unmoving in his. 

 

What did he say now? It was easier before, easier when he could just tell her everything, but seeing her eyes, seeing her lost inside her head, it was so damned difficult.

 

“Lee is well. He actually had a play date yesterday afternoon, Billy, he’s a next door neighbours kid he…” he felt her move her hand, a small movement, the tiniest of touches, he looked into her eyes, saw tears, and her mouth moving, speaking words that were silent.

 

“Lee… you… family”. What did she mean, could it be that she was asking if Lee was with him?

 

“Lee is at home with Jensen, we are… we are a family… but when you get better and out of here, we can all be a family

 

“Good… love him”

 

“Would you like to see him Leese, I can bring him in?”

 

“No” he read the word, saw a flash in her eyes, a spark of something, defiance, shame, he couldn’t tell, but she was right, it would be the worst thing to do. Jared knew that, but he knew he had to ask.

 

“We can concentrate on getting you well yeah? Get you home”.

 

She shut her eyes, the doctor hovering at the door watching the interaction.

 

“Jared, can I talk to you?” Jared stood, the doctor sounded very serious, but he supposed it was a very serious thing, this whole waking up business. He imagined she would need a different kind of therapy, long term support, but he was there for whatever she needed. He followed the doctor outside and pulled the door closed behind him. There was something in the doctor’s eyes that freaked him a bit, and he really didn’t want him to speak.

 

“Jared, I’m not sure how to start this, she is not doing so well, her heart is just too damaged, and if we take her off of the support… I’m not sure she’ll make it through the night”

 

“So we keep her on the life support” Jared said matter of factly, he’d get the money from somewhere for long-term support.

 

“Jared, you need to take a step back, she is conscious, you could ask her for her choice, she’s been here a long time, her body is fading, give her that choice”

 

“Is she capable of making a choice?”

 

“Only you can know that when you ask”

 

“I don’t know if I can do - ” he stopped, his chest tight, tears freely rolling down his face, his hands tight in front of him. 

 

The doctor raised a hand, his face solemn, pale and sad. “Jared do you have someone who can be here with you, who can help you make the choice? Help you to speak to her”

 

Jared stood silently crying, pulling his cell phone from his pocket and hardly able to focus on the names in the address book as he thumbed through them. He stopped. Staring at one name, knowing it was the right choice to make.

 

“Jared, I’ll be in the office, I’ll give you time, if you need me…” his voice trailed off and he nervously moved from foot to foot, before walking away, an uncertain look on his face. Jared didn’t even acknowledge him leaving, just hovered his finger over the name, knowing out of everyone he would be the person who could help him. 

 

The phone rang, Jared wasn’t even really aware of the time, only hearing the sleep in the man’s voice as he answered.

 

“Jay”

 

“Jeff, can you come to Lisa, I need you”

 

“I’ll be there in ten”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

In the end it was a decision that Lisa made very easy for them, the light leaving her eyes just as the sun started to paint the beauty of a new dawn.

 

Jared held her hand, swore he felt her sigh as her spirit left. His tears constant, his heart heavy, grief twisted inside, his brother stood next to him, a supporting hand on Jared’s shoulder.

 

What was worse?

 

That she had died at 24, never knowing a full life?

 

Or that Lee would never really know his momma?

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Christmas Eve Show – T minus 2 days

 

She had only been gone just over a day and there was already someone sat in front of him asking questions.

 

No, no family… except me

 

No, no viewings, no embalming, no open casket

 

No, she wanted to be cremated I know she did

 

Yes, tomorrow, Jen, yes tomorrow is fine

 

I don’t know, I mean, I guess some people from here… me… erm

 

Will a cheque be OK?

 

Funnily enough it was the writing of the cheque that pushed him over the edge. Just writing out the final cheque for Lisa’s care… thinking of all the times he had signed over with hope… to be left with this, this simple piece of paper… was that how simple the end could be.

 

His signature looked shaky, the amount including tax, a figure of nothing in his head, Jensen taking it from him, filling in the rest, leaving Jared with nothing to do except stare at the funeral director in abject shock. 

 

She was supposed to wake up and know Lee, supposed to see what a wonderful son they had made between them, that the result of one night of stupidity could result in something so perfect. 

 

She wasn’t supposed to give up.

 

She was tired Jared, I think she knew what was happening around her, I think she had had enough

 

How do you know that, how can we ever know that 

 

We can’t, but we can pray it is true.

 

Can we go, do you need anything else

 

I want to go, Jensen

 

I want to go…

 

He stood outside waiting for Jensen to catch up, his shoulders hunched against the rain that had started to fall.

 

“Where do you want to go Jay? Home?”

 

“Not yet, I need, I… can we go to… just walk”

 

They bypassed the car, walking up into the trees behind the funeral home, the rain becoming more insistent, Jensen was hard pushed to keep up with Jared’s long legs and the punishing pace he was setting into the very centre of the wood. He stopped suddenly, crouching down against a tree, his head low, hands clasped on bent knees.

 

His breathing seemed steady but Jensen could feel the electric in the air, knew Jared was close to losing it here and now. 

 

He had cried at the home, he had cried in Jensen’s arms; that was the grief, but now… the anger was so close to the surface that Jensen could almost touch it.

 

“She looked at me, she looked right at me, didn’t want to see Lee, and I knew why. I knew she didn’t want him to see his mom so close to dying, so close to damn well giving up” He stood, his eyes hard and fierce, his hands clenched at his sides, “she just gave up, she had everything to fight for, Lee, I’ve spent the last two years fighting for them both and right as she had it in her hands… she gives up”

 

“Jay, she had just had enough”

 

”Enough of what Jen? Of me, sitting their every other day telling her pathetic stories of her son’s first meal, or her son’s favourite book, or the stuff that was going on in my life?”

 

“No, never that, just enough of being trapped where she was”.

 

“I’m just so fucking angry Jen, I would never have left her to handle it on her own, I would have stayed with her, she must have known that”.

 

“Jared, you have every right to go through this anger, but one day you will have to accept that it was just her time. She didn’t mean to leave Lee, or you - ”

 

Jared turned on Jensen, spitting fire, his hands clenching and unclenching, crossing to his lover and pushing him back against a tree, both of them stumbling. Jared wrapped a hard unyielding hand in Jensen’s jacket, the leather slick with rain, and was right in his face, a level of hatred and anger in his eyes that Jensen had never seen. 

 

“Don’t say that Jensen, she god damn did mean to leave me, she knew, she knew she could go, knew she could give in, because I told her to, I gave her permission, I told her that you and I were a family”. The anger and hate left him as soon as it arrived and it was all he could do to hold himself up, as a noiseless sob pushed up and out and he fell into Jensen’s strong hold. “I told her we were a family, me and you and Lee, I said she could be as well, but I gave…” the tears started, racking sobs that carved up and pushed him down into Jensen’s arms “…I may as well have told her to go”. 

 

Jensen could hardly make out what Jared was saying, the grief so strong, his voice broken. Jared thought Lisa gave up because of him? 

 

That was ridiculous.

 

They needed to talk, but physically the floodgates had opened and two years of worry and pain and guilt and anger that twisted and roiled inside Jared was being released in a complete meltdown. Jensen just widened his stance, leaning back, supporting their weight, and ignoring the rain, whispering words of love and hope and trust into Jared’s heated skin. He tightened his hold, pulling Jared’s face into his shoulder, just holding, and not really knowing what to say or what to do. He had never heard grief like it, knew it wasn’t just Lisa, but Lee as well, a combination of shock and disbelief and long held in emotions.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. He whispered, hoping Jared heard him, but not sure anything could push it’d way through the grief. He wrapped long fingers in to Jared’s hair, caressing, stroking, feeling tears on his neck, tear and rain. He pushed a kiss onto Jared’s head, another, moving his lips to find bare skin, the side of Jared’s face tasting the saltiness of tears and the taste of Jared. The rain had grown more insistent and both men were wet to the skin, the canopy of naked winter tree above them doing nothing to stop the rain. Jensen’s kisses became more insistent as Jared’s sobs became quieter, pushing up under his bent face to find the stubble on his chin, marking kisses and promises that he hoped would make their way through. 

 

It was minutes, it was forever, but finally the sheer exhaustion of the grief left Jared limp, loosening the hold on Jensen’s jacket and instead wrapping his hands around Jensen as much as the tree bark allowed. 

 

Jensen’s kisses. 

 

He could feel them, soft, insistent, warm against his cooling rain sodden skin, and he turned his head, lips only millimetres from Jensen’s, breathing in the scent of rain and Jensen, asking for something but not knowing what. He Moved his head to show more of his neck to Jensen’s searching mouth, heat rising in him, gentle heat, as Jensen took what was offered, kissing a path from cheekbone to throat, pausing every so often to whisper words of love and support. 

 

The kisses turned subtly, a small bite, a marking suck, a lick, each one punctuated with a word, a calming word, a softening word. It wasn’t sexual, it was a very different need that Jensen was answering and it brought tears to Jared’s eyes. Not the angry hateful and hurtful tears of raw grief, but the healing tears that were the start of some kind of acceptance, a centre, grounding Jared, giving him a starting place to mend.

 

He turned his head back, dipping to search out Jensen’s soft lips, the rain slick, the warmth a slow simmering passion. They exchanged broken open mouthed kisses, Jensen’s hands tight in his hair, an anchor he needed as he felt love shimmering around them, in his eyes, in his head. The moisture that was rain and tears together… soft and gentle between them as Jared ran his tongue over Jensen’s. Jared moved his hands, lifting them to frame Jensen’s face, eyes opening briefly to look into Jensen’s beautiful jade green gaze, then closing at the weight of shared sorrow in his lover’s eyes.

 

The kisses continued, searching, gentle, pulling Jared back from the edge.

 

They touched and searched and kissed, neither battling for dominance, neither with laughter as they usually would have, but with a safe and loving certainty that they were sharing and marking today as the start of the rest of their life.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared’s mom took one look at the shivering pair and scooted them upstairs obtaining promises of a shower and a change of clothes. Lee did wonder why daddy was wet, but Nana P just scooped him up into her arms telling him daddy had got caught in the rain and not to worry.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen pushed Jared into the shower first, Jared tried to pull him in as well, but Jensen knew that company in the shower wasn’t really what he needed

 

“Go on, and don’t use up all the hot water” he smirked. 

 

Jared stopped at the door shrugging his shoulder with an embarrassed look. “Thanks Jen”, he said softly.

 

Jensen answered with a shrug of his own and a smile, “S’cool” he said simply.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The funeral was quiet. 

 

Jared’s family, minus Megan who stayed home with Lee, Jensen, Chris, Steve and all of Santone who arrived separately and discretely. 

 

Jared was touched they had all come.

 

It was quick; Jared spoke a few words, simple words, and then they moved to the crematorium. 

 

They would scatter the ashes after Christmas.

 

Jared missed Lee, he missed Lee so much, he needed to go home.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Christmas Eve was a blur and far too soon Jared was at the centre, meeting up with the rest of Santone and huddling into their changing room, waiting his turn for makeup and hair. Lee was at home with his mom and dad, Megan was in the wings, in her element, having been too young to attend Santone concerts first time round. And then there was Jensen.

 

Jensen who was quietly confident, quietly supportive, Jensen who reassured him that his singing was strong.

 

Before Jared knew it, they were on stage, and the passion he had for dancing, for his singing and for performing was there. 

 

The lights came up, the first bars of the opening song…

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The stage was empty, the audience gone, the last people there, Jared and Jensen, standing wrapped in each others arms on the black stage, just talking, putting the world to rights.

 

They kissed. The kisses different to the ones in the rain, harder, more needy. 

 

Jared was high on adrenalin and success.

 

Jensen was high on seeing his lover so perfect and so sexy.

 

“Guys, we need to shut down now” a security guard called from the blackness.

 

Jensen pulled on Jared’s hand, guiding him out into backstage and the maze of the doors to the entrance. Jared just let himself be pulled along.

 

They were home before they knew it, Jared’s parents asleep in a spare room, Lee sleeping deep inside a huddle of quilts, his empty Santa sack on the end of his bed.

 

The two men snuck out to the cupboard in their room, bringing out armfuls of presents, most of them for Lee, depositing some of them in Lee’s sack, the rest under the tree that Jared’s mom had put up a few days ago.

 

They just sat close together on the sofa, hands entwined, the lights from the Christmas tree throwing an unearthly red glow into the room.

 

“Still on a high?” Jensen asked softly

 

“Yeah, kinda. Kinda sad too, inside”

 

”You will be Jay”

 

“I need to get over the whole scattering ashes bit, maybe then I can try not to feel sad, for Lee’s sake”. Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand reassuringly and then moved to straddle his boyfriend, relaxing in for a hug, and they just hugged and kissed and talked and before either of them knew it they were asleep wrapped around each other on the sofa, breathing in unison, soft and settled and together.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Lee was an early riser anyway, but it was still a shock to the system when an over excited toddler dragging a heavy sack of presents threw himself at Jensen’s back causing him to jerk up and knock Jared on the chin.

 

“Daddy, daddy, Santa has been, can I open presents”. He jumped excitedly to the tree, and small rear in the air, was soon rummaging through the pile of presents under the tree.

 

Jared opened one eye, looking at his son, a broad grin emerging on his tired face.

 

“Happy Christmas Jared” Jensen whispered into his lover’s ear.

 

”Happy Christmas Jen” Jared returned.

 

“I love you”, soft and heartfelt.

 

“I love you”, permanent and forever.

 

“Presents” Jared attempted to say gravely “after coffee.”

 

“Daddeeeeeee” Lee whined and pouted, watching Jensen climb off his daddy before jumping on his daddy's lap in Jensen’s place.

 

“Ok, Ok, just one, just one” Jared said laughing

 

“I wanna open the one to both of us, from Jensen”. Jared lifted an eyebrow and looked at an adorably tousled and blushing Jensen.

 

“Ok, bring it over”

 

It took seconds to unwrap the package… a book of some kind? A journal? Jared opened the journal, photos of him from his earlier Santone days, group photos, photos of a much younger Lisa.

 

“Who is that daddy?” Jared had of course shown Lee photos of his mom, tried to explain she was sleeping, but no photos of Lisa looking so young, so carefree and so innocent.

 

“Your mommy, it’s your very beautiful mommy” He looked across at Jensen, not knowing what to say. Then he turned the book so he could read the cover, a lump in his throat. 

 

Lisa Padalecki

1984 – 2008

My Mommy

 

 

THE END


End file.
